With every life experience, especially the challenging ones, you can live with regret or walk away with a new life lesson.
Three of the lessons I’ve learned are to stay open minded, let go of the outcome, and live in the present. I wish I could say I’ve mastered each of them. I can’t. I guess I’m just human. All three lessons are ancient wisdom that still applies in today’s chaotic world. Which I guess gives you plenty of opportunities to practice them.
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” Socrates (C. 470-399 BCE
Staying open minded is a good reminder that you seldom know someone else's story. You see only their actions (words and movements) and recognize how you feel about that. Seldom do people share their intent nor do they fill in the back story. Taking the time when working with others to recognize what you don't know and to approach the situation with genuine curiosity can serve you well. This involves asking questions. Not leading the witness questions but questions with the intent to seek first to understand. Flip this and recognize that you may need to share both your intent and the rationale behind what you are saying and doing.
For me this lesson became very clear after teaching 4th grade in a rural community in Nebraska. I worked with a young man that was often late, was easily angered, and who often refused to do what I asked. It wasn’t until over halfway through the school year I began to discover his back story. His parents had lost their licenses from too many DUI s and therefore, drove a tractor to get around town. He was often both verbally and physically abused at home and wasn’t guaranteed there would be food in the house. From that time on I have tried to remember I do not know what someone else is going through and to lean on my sense of curiosity and begin with a blank slate.
Staying open minded involves approaching life with a sense of wonder. For many children this comes naturally. Just walking down the street with a young child can take a long time because there is just so much to explore to understand in the world. Children notice and ask what may seem to an adult the obvious questions. Why is the worm in the street in the hot sun? Why do I see the lightning before I hear the thunder? Why is that person’s hair so curly and mine is straight? “Why ?” is the question of wonder in childhood, and often becomes a question of judgment in adulthood.
As an adult you learn to harmonize open mindedness with your principles. Being open minded is not agreeing with the other person, it is opening up space to seek understanding and connection first. As Bryant McGill writes “If you cannot be open-minded, then you do not possess your ideas, your ideas possess you.”
“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” Lao Tzu (C 571 BCE)
I learned the lesson of living in the present from traveling. I was fortunate to be able to travel in my teen years throughout most of Western Europe. Since then every opportunity I have had to travel I have taken it and have been absorbed in whatever and wherever I have been.
The lesson of living in the present was brought home again when as an adult I had the chance to spend 18 days in China with a group of colleagues and my youngest son. I invited a friend to join us. While my son and a small group of us spent our time cramming in as many experiences as possible, this friend kept dwelling on what was going on back home and what was waiting for him upon his return. Even while standing on the great wall he oscillated between feeling guilty for having come on the trip and being anxious about returning to those he had left back home.
I try to remember this moment will never happen again - so I pay attention.
This lesson has never been more important than in today’s world of hand-held devices. I look around restaurants with families out together, not having a conversation with each other but with every individual on their own device. I listen to children on a field trip anxious to get back to the hotel to play games on their devices. I watch wedding couples so focused on getting just the right pictures that they miss the event they have spent months planning. I watch parents videotaping their children's plays, concerts and graduations and missing the whole thing. Stop connecting with your device and connect with life!
If you Google “articles on being present” you will get over two billion nine hundred fifty million hits. I’m not alone in realizing this is a lesson we all need to practice.The most powerful tool you have available to remain in the present moment is your breath and your ability to shift and maintain your focus. Taking a deep breath and labeling the inhale and exhale can anchor you to the moment.
Consciously connecting yourself to your breath brings you back to this moment. The more you practice conscious connected breathing the easier it will become. Think about setting aside time in the day to savor something. It can be something you eat or drink, a sunrise or sunset you watch, the hug your child gives you, the feel of the water in your morning shower, the coolness of the sheets as you crawl into bed. Almost anything will do as long as it is healthy for you. Practice, practice practice. Learning to savor life one moment at a time is a gift you can give yourself and those you love.
“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius (120-180 CE)
I think I first glimpsed the idea of letting go of the outcome when my sons became young adults. As they have grown and started families of their own the lesson has saved me a lot of angst. At first I would find myself thinking, I called them therefore they should be calling me back. Notice that word I love to hate - should.
When you are in a relationship you may find yourself taking actions (saying or doing something) in anticipation of what the other person will do in return. It may be as simple as saying “Good morning” to a colleague or as complex as setting up an elaborate surprise party. Anticipating a “Good morning” or grateful appreciation from the receiver. People do not follow Newton’s Third Law, for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. People are not machines. When you act anticipating a specific response you are far too often setting yourself up for disappointment.
I’ve learned to call and tell my sons “I love you.” because I want them to know. Not because I want them to say it back in return. I’ve learned to act based on my personal principles - like saying “Hello.” or “Good morning.” because that’s who I want to be. I’ve learned to let go of doing something with a specific outcome in mind. I do it, because that’s who I want to be.
Recognizing that we are humans and that we are not guaranteed the result we are expecting is precious. Once I stopped having expectations of others based on my actions, life was filled with more gratitude that I was able to be kind, serve others, share my wisdom and do so without anticipating anything in return.
I have found strength in being me!
Credits:
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