Instead of depending on an alarm to wake her up in the morning, Amanda Carr shot right out of bed with a pounding heart, breathing heavy, and hands shaking. And then she froze. A panic attack was rolling in, and Carr knew it. Her body was taking over, and Carr was just watching from a distance, as if she was looking through a telescope.
“A lot of my panic attacks start when I feel out of control with myself,” Carr said. “I will wake up and I will know if I am going to have one that day.”
For many student-athletes across the NCAA, life without sports seems unbearable, impossible or even pointless. This daunting realization has forced many students to confront their mental health head-on, just like they do when dribbling a basketball, running around the track or shooting a puck.
Springfield College’s athletic prominence and high standards cause many athletes to fall deeply in love with their identity as student-athletes. But once graduation rolls around, this pivotal part of who they are disappears, and reality comes knocking – hard.
For Carr, a graduate student also known as “Sis,” basketball was everything. It’s what pushed Carr to wake up in the morning.
But after her first year at Springfield, Carr started to get less playing time in games. She went from the starting lineup to cheering her teammates on from the bench.
“I played like I was lost,” Carr said.
When basketball was going bad, the rest of her life started to crumble. Carr began to question her self-worth and battled with confidence.
“Even though I was captain and had all these good things, nothing could get me out of this place in my mind,” Carr said.
Her struggles off the court started to directly impact how she was playing. Carr felt lost academically. She didn’t know exactly what her desired career was as an undergrad, and the pressure kept on building every time she changed her major. This stress of the unknown felt all-consuming – which led to her daily panic attacks. Finances were also an issue.
Heading into her sophomore year, Carr was unsure if she would even be able to continue her education at Springfield, which was dependent on her mom, who works at another university, getting tuition exchange. The lack of control Carr had sent her into a downward spiral.
Carr started to feel hopeless. The light at the end of the tunnel seemed to be getting darker and darker.
Suicidal thoughts crept into her mind. She was functioning in a dissociative state. It was like Carr was watching her body from afar, and not actually in it.
Carr knew that she needed to reach out for help, no matter how uncomfortable it was to do so. She wanted to get better not only for herself but for her teammates as their captain.
During Carr’s junior year at Springfield, the basketball team did not have a normal season because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Carr was forced to re-evaluate what she wanted from the game since playing was no longer an option.
“That time away from the sport helped me find why I love the sport again,” Carr said.
Part of her journey was realizing that life is much more than being an NCAA athlete. She had to ask herself the hard questions: What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to live my life? What fulfills me?
“I had to look at myself as not only an athlete. I had to grow my identity in other ways,” Carr said.
One way Carr finds joy outside of sport now that she is no longer a student-athlete is through cooking. Her former teammates and roommates created a cooking Instagram page, @choochescancook, where they share the delicious food creations that they make for loved ones. The Instagram started in the hopes of finding a hobby outside of basketball, but has transformed into something much bigger.
“I think it helps distract me and puts the focus on other tasks to pull me out of negative thoughts,” said Carr when asked about how cooking helps her mental health.
Carr learned to re-frame her role on the team as the go-to “support person,” which aligns with her main purpose in life: helping others. She has also decided to dedicate her career to mental health in sports and is working on a master's degree in sports psychology.
Greg’s Story
Greg Lucente, a former hockey player on Springfield’s club team, had a similar experience with his mental health as a student-athlete. Hockey was what glued his life together. When concussions started to pile up, however, Lucente was medically forced to leave the sport. The small glimpses of hope between concussions started to fade after his symptoms of brain fog, headaches and confusion wouldn’t go away.
Lucente thought that if he made it through one concussion at a time, he would be healthy and cleared to return. That constant hope was what pushed Lucente not to give up entirely. But the chance of playing again became slimmer and slimmer over time – which ultimately led Lucente to reluctantly retire because of post-concussion syndrome, which “occurs when symptoms of a mild traumatic brain injury last longer than expected,” according to the Mayo Clinic.
“It was heartbreaking, my senior year, and all of my teammates were devastated," Lucente said. “It was really tough.”
Lucente’s life at Springfield has been all about hockey since day one. Navigating the rest of his time on campus without being able to lace up the skates felt impossible. Lucente did not want to do it. The symptoms from his multiple concussions didn’t seem to go away.
In college, Lucente has had a staggering six concussions, on top of ongoing neck issues.
“Nobody really knows how concussions heal. It is sort of like a big mystery. It’s like the one injury you can’t see,” Lucente said.
Lucente was not ready to give up hockey, so he had to transition and adapt to a different – but just as impactful – role on the team as the go-to support person, just like Carr. Although Lucente could not be present on the rink, he still attended every game. After graduation in May, Lucente is planning to transition from former player to coach.
“I feel like a lot of players are scared to open up,” said Lucente about his experiences being a male student-athlete. “When growing up you are always told to push through, push through, but in reality, a lot of people struggle. It is ok not to be ok.”
The prominent grind culture in hockey made Lucente feel like he had to keep going, instead of expressing what was really going on. To him, each concussion was just another hurdle he had to overcome, and Lucente wasn’t even aware of how damaging that mindset was to his mental health. Now, he has learned the importance of slowing down and prioritizing all aspects of his health.
“I feel like a lot of players are scared to open up."
Ricky’s Story
Ricky Perruzzi, a sophomore on the cross country and track team, wears vulnerability like a badge of honor. Perruzzi isn’t afraid to open up and express his true emotions. But this hasn’t always come easy or naturally.
Internal and external pressures have been some of the biggest hurdles Perruzzi has had to overcome as a distance runner. With such an individualized sense of success in the sport of running, self-sabotage tends to run rampant, especially for Perruzzi. Questioning and intrusive thoughts of “Am I doing enough?” “I should be running more”, “I don’t need a rest day’ seem to be never-ending.
Perruzzi eventually reached his breaking point. He couldn’t ignore his mental health struggles any longer.
“I really felt like my life had to revolve around running,” Perruzzi said. “I sometimes feel like all the conversations I have are about running. I did not want to do that all the time.”
Off the track, Perruzzi is also dealing with the unimaginable: his younger brother, Andrew, was diagnosed with Lymphoma as just a junior in high school. Running no longer seemed important.
“Every day, my family and I think something bad is going to happen,” Perruzzi said about his brother.
Perruzzi made green ribbons saying “Positive vibes for Sal” and “We stand for Andrew” this past indoor track season to show support for his brother because green is the universal color for Lymphoma. Perruzzi feels a strong call to work with children partially due to his brother’s illness.
“I want to be involved with children more, especially why I chose education because I want to be a part of their lives and see them succeed,” said Perruzzi. “That is what I am trying to make sure my brother gets to do and have a successful life when battling cancer at the same time.”
On the outside, Perruzzi is an accomplished distance runner who is extremely passionate about the sport – but there are so many more layers that can’t always be seen.A Nationwide Crisis.
Student-athletes struggling with their mental health is not a problem unique to Springfield College – it has turned into a nationwide crisis.
During the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, mental health was a top concern for the college demographic. Many athletes dealt with, and are still working through, “athletic identity foreclosure”, which is when someone neglects other aspects of their life, like academics, social life, or career.
In fact, over 30% of college students “experience significant symptoms of depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions,” according to Athletes for Hope.
Headlines from 2022 were filled with student-athlete suicides. It was a year of tremendous heartbreak and tragedy, a time that left the nation shaken to its core. During the spring of that year, at least 5 NCAA student-athletes died from suicide across the country; Katie Meyer, Robert Martin, Jayden Hill, Sarah Shulze, and Lauren Bernett.
The NCAA was forced to deal with the student-athlete mental health crisis like never before. If they didn’t, it could cost someone their life.
According to Whowhatwhy.org, the NCAA believes that the majority of responsibility for student athlete mental health is up to individual colleges. A handbook was created by the organization in 2016, Mental Health Practices, that provides advice and feedback for colleges across the NCAA. It recommends that qualified mental health professionals should be easily accessible for student-athletes.
However, the NCAA has not set a specific number of sports psychologists that each university must have on staff as well what qualifications they should possess, which has formed a gap in care for NCAA student-athletes.
For student-athletes at Springfield College, several resources are readily available. The counseling center has certified therapists and counselors that understand the unique Springfield College athlete experience. Teams also have access to sports psychologists, who are specialized in working with athletes. The counseling center can be reached at (413) 748-3345. The National Suicide Prevention hotline has recently been changed to just 988, making a call much quicker and more efficient than before.
For student-athletes, there tends to be such a focus on improving physical health, but as Carr, Perruzzi and Lucente have learned, none of that matters if their head is not in the game.