Boundaries and structures are especially important in times of transition.
Transition is the re-norming process that occurs after change. Change happens outside of you while transition happens within and involves restoring psychological well-being. In the early nineties William Bridges wrote about the three stages of transitions: endings, neutral zone, and a new beginning. You might think of these like the life cycle of a butterfly. The caterpillar (endings) forms a cocoon (neutral zone) and then a butterfly emerges (new beginning). It would be nice if these stages moved smoothly from one to another, like the butterfly; however it doesn’t work that way, they can overlap and blend much like a marble cake.
Developing a clear picture of what is actually going to be different is helpful. What is really over and what is not. Knowing the boundaries of the change brings a sense of relief and helps you feel safe. The same is true for teenagers, when they know there are firm boundaries in place it provides them a sense of safety. They know what to expect. It also makes it easier to say “No” when necessary. Boundaries provide continuity which is critical in times of transition.
One boundary I set during my divorce was that my sons’ father was not to enter the house. He was welcome to wait for the boys outside the house or on the front porch but not to come inside. This helped me be clear that what happened inside my home was totally up to me and my sons. Our house took on new meaning.
For my teenage boys a boundary that helped me was around watching certain films with foul language. Language is very important to me, as I feel it is a reflection of your core values. If they watched films filled with foul language the language couldn’t seep into how they spoke to me or others. To this day, even though they are in their thirties, they watch their language around me as a sign of respect.
You can also set boundaries for yourself. When I am stressed I find I try to eat my feelings. So the boundary I set during my transition from being married to being divorced was to walk around the block before I ate something at a non meal time. I made a commitment to myself to not use drugs (including alcohol) or food to cope.
During times of transition life may feel unpredictable,maintaining structure and routine can help you feel more organized and in control.
The brain loves rituals/routines/structure. Although the brain pays attention to novelty it finds comfort and uses less energy when you are performing a familiar routine. Creating habits allows the brain to grow additional dendrites which aid in the reception and communication between cells. Not only does this conserve energy it minimizes risk, which is a massive brain drain.
Transitioning from going to an office to working at home, I structured my morning. Get up, make my bed, get my sons off to school and head to the gym. Following the gym I would meet a friend at McDonald's for scrambled eggs and an English muffin with honey. I would head home and work until around 2 p.m. then take a break, spend time with my kids, squeeze in a bit more work before dinner, while my sons did homework and then relax. To this day I get up, make my bed and then exercise. Keep in mind structure doesn’t mean you need to schedule every minute
I think of scheduling on a continuum from Loose - Tight. I fall a bit right of center.
For my sons they knew most nights we were going to sit down to dinner as a family. They were expected to at least pull the covers up when they got out of bed. That Monday was laundry day and if clothes weren’t in the laundry room they wouldn’t get washed. We started our meals with a prayer. If it was 10 p.m. on a school night and they weren’t working they were home. For kids especially teens it is not about rules it is about structure - structure is all about having a plan.
Structure prepares children for the adult world. “Children need both affection and structure in order to develop into secure, happy adults. But if parents can only provide one, it should be structure, said Lisa Damour, a psychologist who specializes in adolescent girls.” Safe rules for issues of safety.
Whatever structures you put in place, be sure to include time for your own social emotional needs. During transitions, especially the neutral zone - you need to find ways to zone out and just be.
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