The Music Stopped

What do you struggle with? You don’t have to answer now, or tomorrow, or ever. This is a step you will take when you are ready, and the Climbing Grief Fund is here, for you, when you are.

My first thought was: Shane never calls.

This is a personal story.

Most stories on grief are.

I was driving down the I-5 from Seattle to Portland with my windows down, one arm out in the wind, the Avett Brothers’ Smithsonian blasting from my speakers..

~Call the Smithsonian

I made a discovery

Loved ones will break your heart

With or without you…

Turns out we don’t get to know everything~

The music stopped.

Shane never calls. When my phone lit up with his caller ID, it was as if the aspect ratio of my world shifted and I was going to experience the next few minutes in all of its breadth and intensity.

Dillon fell. He’s gone.

Dillon taught me the munter mule. “Imagine tying a clove hitch, but poorly,” he said.

Dillon had the patience I wish I had. “Don’t apologize for trying hard," he said. "I’ll belay all day."

Dillon’s fiance, Alex, always gave me the widest smile. “Hi,” she would scream in joy from Earth Treks Golden’s front desk, and wave with the energy of ten exclamation marks.

I didn’t know what to say to her, what to do for a lost friend, and I still don’t a year later.

There is a narrative that trauma makes you tough, untouchable, resilient, and there is truth in that statement. But that is not the only narrative. There are those who become more scared, and they hold their loved ones tighter. There are those who cry more easily, I am part of that group. There are those who double-check the locks, the corners, the knots more often, with shaking hands and frantic eyes; there are those who get overwhelmed by small things; there are those who experience suicidal ideation.

Surviving is not a superpower. It’s just what it is, surviving.

This is a personal story, most stories on grief are; but just because it’s a personal story, it doesn’t mean you have to survive it alone.

What do you struggle with?

You don’t have to answer now, or tomorrow, or ever.

This is a step you will take when you are ready, and the Climbing Grief Fund is here, for you, when you are.

The music will start again.

It might be a different song, and that’s okay.

Appreciate