The National Rifle Association (NRA) has recognized Florida Tech as the safest university in the entire United States.

The NRA, in partnership with Secretary of Education Betsy Devos, began a study earlier this year to determine which areas in America were safest. After extensive study, it was discovered that there was a direct correlation between the safety of an area and the guns per square inch.

“I was as shocked as the next person when we discovered that there is a direct link between the number of guns in an area and how safe the area is,” said Devos. “But to be fair, I should have expected this after my brother ordered the Nisour Square Massacre in Iraq. His guys with guns were completely fine. Everyone else in there, not so much.”

The State of Florida is considered to be one of the more ‘gun-centric’ states in America, and the Melbourne area is no exception. The Frogbones Family Shooting Center, located in downtown Melbourne, regularly pulls in over $350,000 a year on gun sales. With so many guns in the area, the NRA began inspecting Florida Tech to verify the university’s commitment to safety.

Three weeks after the investigation began, the NRA believed they had seen enough to confidently present the university with the award.

The deciding factor for bestowing the award was the existence of one particular student, Zackary Breener.

“I’m proud to know it was my flagrant disregard for common sense, and unchecked camaraderie with ResLife that allowed me to keep all my guns on campus and ensure the safety of my fellow students,” said Breener. “If the more guns you have the safer you are is true, then I am a very safe and completely mentally stable man. Hm, not sure why I felt the need to emphasize that last part. Oh well! Back to alphabetizing my bullets.”

Breener, now a Senior at Florida Tech, began storing his extensive collection of firearms in his dormitory after he realized how ResLife inspected the students’ rooms.

“Yeah, it’s a pretty sweet deal. If it looks like you have a bunch of stuff, the RAs and what-not don’t bother looking in your room since it’s too much work,” said Breener. “Actually, you don’t need to even hide anything if you’re good friends with the RAs who inspect your room. Drugs, booze, pets, even guns are okay so long as you give the RAs their cut. You’d think someone would make sure this kind of thing doesn’t occur. But no, just smooth sailing.”

After he had successfully befriended his RAs and ensured his privacy, Breener began moving his firearms and pet rabbit, Lieutenant Lightning Bolt, into his on-campus apartment. Armed with the knowledge that no one would bother him, and the knowledge that he was armed, Brenner quickly fell into the rhythm of college life until the NRA propelled both him and Florida Tech into the spotlight.

While the NRA, Secretary of Education Devos, and Breener are elated at the display of Second Amendment prowess, the university remains unsure how to appropriately respond to the award. However, many faculty and staff have expressed disbelief and even outright hostility to the award.

“HE DID WHAT?!” said one visibly seething faculty member. “Yeah, no, this is beyond unacceptable. I don’t know who to be more furious at; the jackass with the guns, or ResLife for refusing to do even a half-ass room inspection for all these years. No, you know what? Even a quarter-ass room inspection would have turned this up. Holy hell.”

Oliver North, President of the NRA and man who committed treason during the Iran-Contra scandal, announced he will personally oversee the award ceremony at Florida Tech next month. “This university stands as a vanguard against the leftist elitists who would undo everything the Founding Fathers stood for,” said North as he punched the air in front of him while banners displaying the AR15 rifle waved majestically behind him. “What this young man [Breener] did, and what this university allowed to happen is exactly what our founders envisioned. Trump, or maybe Pence, for 2020 and God bless.”

Despite the university’s newfound acclaim, many students have begun to doubt the merits of the award. A recent poll sent out through the university’s internal system, FITForum, found that 99% of the students on campus were unaware of the guns hidden in Brenner’s room, and 95% said they no longer felt safe. “Was…this always happening?” said one distraught student who wished to remain anonymous. “I thought people were supposed to make sure students couldn’t do this kind of thing. I mean, I wouldn’t trust him with my car keys, let alone my life. I think I should probably find a different school now.”

As of publication, President McCay and other senior administrative personnel were unable to respond for comment due to their frothing at the mouth and spasming on the ground with uncontrollable rage.