Issue 125 – July 2023
Before & after: dissecting a 5k run/walk waiver
Making something easier to read is no reflection on the brain power of your readers. It simply means you’re respecting their time and helping them get the point faster.
If there’s an event involving people, you can bet someone is going to get injured. Oh, and the organizers don’t want to be responsible. That seems to be the thinking behind the official waiver you must sign to take part in a 5K run or walk.
But will people understand what they’re signing? Running text through the Hemingway app shows how easy something is to read, or not. I love this tool because it’s so obvious when writing has gone off the rails. Yellow highlights the sentences that are hard to read. Pinky-red highlights ones that are VERY hard to read.
I’ve already dissected the waiver for Push for Your Tush, a 5K I did in June. Let’s take a look at a similar one for the Gutsy Walk, a fundraiser for Crohn’s and Colitis Canada that also happened in June.
Oh dear. The 195-word Waiver for the 2023 Gutsy Walk is awash in rosy highlights:
Hemingway rates this at a post-graduate level, the level of “light reading” found in scholarly journals. Four of five sentences are hard or very hard to read.
Part of the issue with this complicated waiver is it’s so wordy. Storytoolz (another readability checker) points out this averages 40.4 words per sentence. The longest sentence, the very first, is a whopping 86 words. Studies show that the best length for understanding is just eight to 14 words. More than 43 results in zero to 9% understanding.
Extra words sneak in thanks to the multiple options (“waive and release,” “any and all,” “heirs, executors, administrators, agents,” etc.) inserted by lawyers to cover every possible situation. Lawyers also like to specify an alternate to use for second reference, as in “the 2023 Gutsy Walk (‘Walk’)". Not necessary; we know that “Walk” means the “aforementioned” 2023 Gutsy Walk.
To rework a wordy statement, start by taking out some of these extra words. If the lawyers insist they stay in, put an asterisk and link to the full, wordy legal disclaimer in fine print online or at the bottom of the page.
Next, to help participants understand what they’re signing, make the words short, simple and easy to read. Shorten the sentences, too. Use bullet points to break up those long sentences with multiple options.
Here’s my “after”:
This averages 15.6 words per sentence. One sentence is harder to read than the others, possibly due to the list of bad things that could occur. Hemingway gives the rewrite a Grade 6, called “Good.”
As I always say, making something easier to read is no reflection on the brain power of your readers. It’s not "dumbing down." It simply means you’re respecting their time and helping them get the point faster.
Have you seen a “before” piece of writing that needs an “after”? Please hit “reply” and share. I’m always looking for good (bad) examples.
Related reading:
4 steps to take contract language from ‘post-graduate’ to ‘grade 7’
Think plain to make complex writing more readable
Recently in the Red Jacket Diaries:
Find more “Before & After” rewrites on the blog
Top 10 posts in the Red Jacket Diaries so far in 2023
© Copyright 2023 Get It Write. All rights reserved. She/her. Find me online at GetItWrite.ca, connect with me on LinkedIn or follow me on Twitter (I’m still there; are you?). And why not subscribe to Wordnerdery?