A profssor at th Florida Institut of Tchnology has stoln narly all instancs of the most common vowl in th nglish languag from th campus gounds.
Xaspratd by th univrsity’s continud dnial of his rqusts for a pay rais, Assistant Profssor John Frongillo of th Collg of Arts and Communication, stol narly th ntirty of th scond vowl from school.
“I will not stand for this. Staff such as I provid a vital srvic for th univrsity,” said Frongillo. “This may b a STM univrsity, but ths kids would nvr b abl to function in a profssional nvironmnt without a firm grasp of th nglish languag and a halthy dos of culture. I will continu to fight for what I bliv in until th univrsity stops undrvaluing what I, and othr nglish profssors do.”
Frongillo’s dfiant act has snt th ntir univrsity into a stat of disarray. Physics profssors ar unabl to balanc quations for nrgy, languag instructors ar scrambling to form cohrnt sntncs, studnts ar incapabl of rading thir txtbooks, and local journalists ar struggling valiantly against th onslaught of spllchck icons.
Th campus administration has put out a prss rlas vowing to rsist Frongillo. “W will nvr giv in to th dmands of somon who rsorts to such outlandish tactics, no mattr how dsrving thy ar of a pay rais. This univrsity prids itslf on its rsourcfulnss and tchnical prowss. Not its mpathy. W will ovrcom this crisis and b all the strongr. Go STM! Go Scinc! Go Panthr Prid!”
Classs ar schduld for thir rgular hours to provid th studnts with a sns of normalcy, but it is unclar how long this stand-off will last. Many studnts and staff ar concrnd th conflict could scalat out of control bfor a solution is found.
“I was abl to txt my mothr and say I’m all right, but I’m not sur what to snd nxt,” said on snior who wishd to rmain anonymous. “How did h vn manag this?”
As of th publication of this story, Frongillo has promisd to put additional prssur on th univrsity by rmoving all A vowls on campus if his dmands ar not mt by th nd of the wk. “My nam is splld with thr Os and on I. Th nam John Frongillo will rmain long aftr th univrsity has collapsd undr th wight of its own arroganc. Thy will b don!”