Loading

Breaking News: Witchy Business at Pinewood By JOLYN DING Staff Doorbell

Illustration by Selina Gomez - Staff Designer

Just minutes before the bell rings, high school literature teacher Cheryl Zepp flips through her most prized possession: a journal filled with her favorite meditation tricks and techniques. Every morning, her students are greeted with a hearty witch cackle and grin as they file into a seemingly ordinary classroom.

After every student is seated and accounted for, Zepp hits the lights and feverishly fumbles around for her renowned rain stick. Upon first glance, this classroom is just like any other space one would find on campus; however, as one’s eyes adjust to the dark, they notice the wide array of items scattered throughout the room. It is filled to the brim with crystals, essential oils, and all sorts of books on witchcraft, meditation, and hypnosis.

“I believe that your surroundings directly impact how you learn, which is why I use crystals, oils, and potions to rid the air of negative energy,” Zepp said. “It’s extremely soothing.”

Although Zepp’s students are now accustomed to her eccentric teaching techniques, they have yet to discover that she is the leader of a witch coven here at Pinewood.

“I’m surprised no one has brought it up, but it’s been great because I can concoct my plans in silence,” Zepp said. “I’m not just any regular witch.”

As Zepp mentioned, she is not your typical witch. Unlike her ancestors, she does not use wicked spells or herbal brews to hypnotize her students. Instead, she has found that meditation hypnosis, her very own invention, is the optimal way of tricking her students into doing their homework and following her commands.

“I’m not going to lie, I hypnotize my students to make my job easier,” Zepp said. “I get so much free time as a result of it.”

Zepp even admits to hypnotizing her students whenever they pester her.

“When I become sick of their shenanigans, I turn to hypnosis,” Zepp said. “It’s hilarious how easy it is to manipulate them.”

Now, this begs the question: how does she do it? Well, it’s actually quite simple. First, she uses her rain stick and the calming nature of it to lull her students into a meditative state. Then, she begins playing a video of her murmuring gentle, hypnotic spells into a microphone. In the background of this video is music that hypnotizes students in an instant.

“My meditation hypnosis works splendidly, and my apprentices were shocked at the results,” Zepp said. “They started trying it on their students too.”

When Zepp refers to her apprentices, she is talking about fellow English department teachers, Sabrina Strand and Eric Schreiber. They were the first two teachers to join Zepp’s witch coven, and they most certainly won’t be the last. Panthers, beware of these meditations coming to a screen near you. If you aren’t careful, you might just get bewitched.