Do you want to know why people are so stupid? Because we hardly understand most of our own emotions. The people that say they do may understand why they feel a certain way. But if you were to ask them so you know why you feel this way but why can't you stop it? The only thing as annoying as not knowing why something is like it exists, is knowing why something isn't like it exists. And yes that is my inner scientist coming out. I can explain to you why the planets revolve around their axis while orbiting the sun, or why the movie interstellar is the biggest piece of garbage I have seen to date, but if you asked me to tell you why I love someone or why I even like them, I would sit here and tell you the generics. "Oh she makes me feel special", no she doesn't. "Oh she is one of the most beautiful girl I have ever seen", not even close. And my personal favorite "oh she is just so interesting", no she isn't. Her life is as complicated and as stressful as a toaster. Now don't get me wrong I have liked interesting girls or even loved one or two. But dated? Nah, all I get is bat shit crazy.

The year was... Er... It was in fifth grade. I met this girl Taylor. Man she was just the bees knees. She was pretty. And had friends. And that is as far as I got with my reasons why I like her. So basically I was in love. I asked her to date me, she said no. I asked her to think about it, she said no. But I scored because when I asked her to be my valentine, and she said no, her friend Erica took pity on me. Erica convinced her to say yes. And it was the worst day of that year. Taylor was annoying. And I mean like as annoying as one of those kids that watches YouTube videos during class then asks for your notes after class , and you are like "No fuck you Joseph, I saw you watching the newest episode of Game Theory and that shit was awful anyways you uncultured swine". So I spent the day with Erica and I realized something, Erica was amazing compared to Taylor.

Steps in asking a girl out: write it in a note, then pass said note, when she says no, guilt trip her. She will eventually say yes. She has low self esteem and you're an asshole, you were made for each other. So you start dating, right? You are exchanging the cellphone numbers, you are texting til 8:30 , your bed time, you are passing notes in class, hanging out at the swings at recess. Needless to say, shit is getting hot. But with every amazing relationship comes problems.

Do you know what a twelve year old relationship fight sounds like? Exactly how it sounds. A twelve year old relationship fight. "Taylor said you only want me because you want to kiss me" was an actual thing yelled at me. And by yelled I mean all cap texted at me. Needless to say shit was serious. All of our fights led up to this one where we were arguing because I told Taylor to fuck off, and stay out of our relationship. Literally, I was savage at 12. Basically the fight was about how it was rude or something. I told her she needed to keep her friends out of our relationship. She retaliated saying they need to be because I'm such an ass. But what stopped the fight was her saying those magical words. I love you. She swore up and down it was her brother and blah blah blah. Until a week later I said it back. And boy was she happy.

We were going to get married. Like no joke, she was planning and everything. Even to this day I still find that adorable even if it was stupid. It was 12 year old love. Or so I though until she told me she only said it to stop me from yelling at her. That is my first lesson kids. People will lie to make people feel better. And it's bullshit. Now what does this have to do with sticking your dick in crazy? I was the crazy. She metaphorically stuck her... Well you get the point. She had to say something the drastic to get me a bit less crazy. I'm still sorry for how I acted during that relationship but I learned how to not be the crazy in my relationships from that.

Now if one tale of insanity isn't enough, I have two more for you. But I'm gonna Terrinteno you. This is the story of what I did with the stuff I learned from years of the crazy. So let me paint you a picture. I am what you would call a gamer. I love playing games. Video games, mind games, and board games. I am a intellectual, and a quick thinker. And the most dangerous thing about this is that it causes me to overthink. And this triggers panic attacks. So while gaming online I met this girl, Rebecca. She was drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, fun, but serious enough to understand my problem with girls in the past. She had her own problems but we helped each other. Now spoiler, we broke up. I still talk as highly as I did for one simple reason I didn't stick my dick in crazy. And by that I mean I made sure she wasn't crazy. I thought through my relationship with this girl. I made sure that if it did end it would be because of other reasons, how did it end, you ask? Like I said I had severe panic attacks. And I had one and it scared her. And I liked her enough to not want to put her through that. So I did what any gentleman should do. I let her go to live. She obviously didn't want to but I had to force her. She was from California I didn't want to limit her. Maybe one day we could see each other again. But for now I text her every so often checking up on her. The lesson here if it isn't obvious is that if you are hurting someone, don't be selfish and keep them around. Make sure they get out. Make sure they don't stick their dick in crazy. Make sure that you, even if it hurts, let them live, laugh, and love. The sad part is here I messed up. Because I left and hurt her even more. And now she is addicted to drugs and feels alone. Maybe some would say it's not my fault. But I blame myself because... Well love.

Before my next tale I have to tell you some stuff about me. I used to be a terrible person. Objectively I was an awful human being. I used to hurt people just because I was in pain. I had this best friend who put up with my shit for like a while. I mean like four years. And one day I hurt her too much and she dropped me. It mentally destroyed me and made me physically hurt myself. So while I was traversing through hell I met the devil.

This hell was of my making. I didn't just happen to land in it. I dug myself a hole and the hole opened up and I fell into the darkest pit I have to this day. I am an awkward person and to meet people I try to message them first. So I saw this beautiful girl on Facebook, Katie. You know this love story, we hit it off and she had herself a boyfriend. This boyfriend was a scumbag and broke up with her. As her new friend she came to me and I seized that shit. I was all like "girl you are so much better off without him. You can do better." Little did she know that person who was better was me.

Now here is her flaw that will inevitably end her and I. She was a cutter. I mean self harm to the max. She would cut until she passed out from blood Loss and then after that tell just about everyone. To which I later figured out was for attention. So she cut after her boyfriend left her and her mother put her in a emergency care unit. Then she went to a stress center. But before she left I was afraid when she got back she wouldn't like me anymore. So I told her I was in love with her. And her stupid ass bought it. So when she got out she said she loved me also and we started what was my worst decision yet.

There were many fights between us. Seeing as how we were both depressed and cutters, the biggest one, is neither of us can cut. We both broke our promises. Hard. I mean I wasn't as intense as her but there were some dark days. I'm talking about showing up to school with fresh cuts having to clean them in a public restroom sink fresh. But I endured. I started to stop. But She didn't. She cut countless times. She used to do it then send me pictures of it. And I have never been so scared to see that I have a picture message from a girl in my life. I was terrified. The worst part is she even tried to kill herself twice. One time I though she did it.

She told me she couldn't handle life anymore. I pleaded " baby I love you so much. I'm here for you. We can get through this together,

"No. I have to do this", she was determined to die. So she swallowed 50 pills and said her goodbyes. I immediately broke down. For a week I thought she was dead. I lost the "love of my life". I had no best friend anymore. I had no person to help me. I was alone. And I was cutting left and right, Crying, just one big little bitch. I say that because what I know now I should have been smarter.

At the end of the week she got her phone and texted me saying Hi. The nerve of this self centered, attention whoring, bitchy, cunt. I thoughT this girl, whom I loved , was dead. I was alone. My closest friend wanted nothing to do with me and I had no one. And all I got was a goddamned Hi. But stupid me was just happy she was alive. I decided to visit her in the hospital. And everything went back to normal. We fought less and it was okay. Then she decided to go on a "Vacation" to get away.

I mean I wanted her to feel better so I was fine with it. Until she kept me up until 4 am each morning when my days started at 6 am. I slept a total of 40 hours that month. Then each day she would cut. And send me pictures. So the nights I did sleep I had terrible nightmares. I have never in my life been so traumatized. Then the final straw was pulled.

She met this guy that was apparently more available. And cheated on me while on vacation. So I did what any child would do. I told her I was never in love with her. And she took great acceptance to that by responding with you should kill yourself because no one will ever love you. The worst part is I almost did. I was really close. A lot of days felt like my last. Some days I went to sleep hoping to never wake up. But I did. The moral of the story here is don't throw away your life and give everything you have to someone who won't do it in return. She didn't love me. I loved her but she loved her razor and the thought of suicide more than she loved me.

I learned a lot from all the crazy bitches in my life. I have experienced all types of crazy. Ive had just the tip I'm crazy all the way to balls deep in crazy. And what I've learned is don't do it. As crude as the saying is, it means a lot to me. It helped me be a better person today and most of all learn what I want and need from life. And most of all not to give everything to get nothing. I have some worth even if I don't see it and I don't deserve to be treated like how I was in the past. And slowly my new girl interest and rediscovered friendship with my old best friend are helping me realize that.