Being Resilient - When things are hard How to keep on going when the going gets tough

Myths about resilience

Myth: Resilience means getting on with things no matter what happens.

Reality: While being resilient may mean that you are able to keep going in spite of pain or sickness, in the long-term, this approach can lead to burnout. True resilience is about allowing genuine self-care and being in tune with all of your needs to allow for healthy striving for your goals.

Myth: Resilience is not something you can learn.

Reality: Resilience is not a personality trait. While some people may be more likely to think and behave in resilient ways due to all sorts of factors (think the whole nature/nurture debate) this doesn’t mean we cannot learn skills to make us more resilient. Much like being patient, generous, or any other skill you want to develop.

Myth: Resilience means using positive thinking to manage emotions.

Reality: Emotions are really useful in letting us know what is going on in our interactions with the world around us, so there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ or ‘good’ emotion. Using positive thinking to push away negative emotions can undermine a useful tool that allows us to genuinely assess situations and plan how to succeed. In order to be resilient we need emotional balance, rather than an absence of negative emotions.

There are many definitions of resilience and most of them seem to share some common features:

• Resilience helps you deal with adversity and change
• Resilience is a necessary skill for mental wellbeing
• Resilience is the ability to thrive in spite of, and often because of, adversity

Video: The School of Life – Resilience (4 minutes)

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset, a theory that was originally proposed by Carol Dweck, suggests that having a growth mindset promotes resilience, and that if we have a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, we are more likely to succeed. This theory was designed in relation to learning and builds on understandings of brain plasticity.

Having a growth mindset is linked to having a belief that you can improve and succeed in spite of failure. In fact, with a growth mindset these “mistakes’ are seen as challenges that present us with an opportunity to learn and grow. What has been shown is that certain skills can help us move from a fixed to a growth mindset. Some of these skills are linked to our emotions and some to our thinking. If you are interested in developing growth mindset beliefs then you may want to try these ideas:

Video: TED Talk – The Power of Believing you can improve (10 minutes)

Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again - Nelson Mandela

Positive emotions have a physiological impact on us and our ability to be resilient when we do not succeed. Being resilient is not about keeping things bottled up and getting rid of negative emotions, rather using your emotions to recognise what is going on and to help manage your situation. Being resilient is not about keeping things inside, but expressing how you feel and moving forward. A resilient person knows how to manage their emotions so that they are able to push forward with a plan of action. Remember there is no such thing as a bad or a good emotion. They may make us feel “bad” or “good” but they can still be really helpful.

Resilience is very different from feeling numb. Resilience means you experience, you feel, you fail, you hurt. You fall. But, you keep going - Yasmin Mogahed

Practical tips

1. Abdominal Breathing: With feet flat on the floor and sitting comfortably in your chair, close your eyes and focus on your breath – breathing in and breathing out – following the breath, noticing its effects on the body (rising chest, rising abdomen, falling abdomen, falling chest….). Focus your attention on your abdomen rising as you breathe in and falling as you breathe out. If your attention wanders off elsewhere, bring it back to your breathing and the rise and fall of your abdomen. Techniques such as 4-7-8 breathing, can be useful both in preparation for exams and throughout. To perform this technique rest your tongue gently on the ridge of tissue behind your upper front teeth, then inhale quietly for a count of four through your nose, hold your breath for a count of seven, then exhale with a whooshing sound for a count of eight through your mouth. Repeat it four times and to help re-direct blood flow away from survival mode, and back towards our thinking brain.
2. Heart Focused Breathing: Focus your attention in the area of your heart, feel your attention there. Imagine breathing in and out through your heart. Whilst maintaining heart focus and heart breathing, try to slow and deepen your breathing, for example, breathing in and out to the count of four. Imagine your breath coming in and out from your heart area, deeply but easily and evenly. Now it’s time to ease into a positive feeling. Try to feel a positive feeling: care for someone, appreciation of good things in your life or an uplifting experience. Ease into that positive feeling as you maintain a heart focus and heart breathing. Research has shown that this process can have a calming effect and increase our ability to learn.
3. Self-talk: Keeping check of our self-talk, such as “I can’t do this.” And trying to be more realistic or positive, such as “I don’t have to know everything. More will come to me as I keep going” will assist with reducing unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Grounding techniques such as dropping anchor are quick and easy mindfulness strategies to help you stay calm and reduce stress about failure. Many of them are quick to use and some can be used no matter where you are or why you are stressed. Perfect for when you are out and about at Uni! Here is a list of a few that you might find useful;

1. Counting from 1-10 and then reversing from 10-1
2. Using a grounding phase like “I’m ok” or “stay calm”
3. Focus on your breath. Inhale for a count of six and then exhale to a count of four
4. Connect with your senses – name 3 things you can see, hear, smell and touch.
5. Visualise yourself walking along a beach and watching the waves break on the shore or sitting under a tree watching the wind gently blow the branches above you back and forth.
6. Notice the things around you; what do you see? hear? smell?
7. Press your feet on the ground
8. Take a sip of water. Notice the weight of the bottle in your hand and the sensation of the water in your mouth.

Video: TED Talk - All it Takes is 10 Mindful Minutes (12 minutes)

Problem solving

Problem solving skills are another way to develop your capacity to be resilient. If you can figure out a problem and how to respond, then when you have to face another problem in the future you will have thought about a way to manage. Below is a step-by-step guide that can help you develop this skill

1. Identify the Problem

• What is the problem? Be clear and specific
• Why is this still a problem? Try not to focus on what caused the problem or what might go wrong
• What is my goal in relation to this problem? i.e., what outcome would I like to achieve? Realistic and achievable goals are ideal

2. Think about Solutions

• What are some solutions? Don’t be too critical at this stage
• Have I thought of a few options? Now think about what options are most appealing
• Can I rank these solutions? Revisit your goal, make sure they match!

3. Evaluate your “Solutions”: What are the Pros and Cons?

There are a few ways you can do this, make a list on your phone, use an online tool or jot down some points. You can even allocate points to have a more quantitative outcome if that appeals.

Remember, it doesn’t need to be complicated!

4. Decide on a Solution (or 2) and an Action Plan

• Identify separate steps of your plan
• If your problem involves others can they be involved?
• When do you want to take action?

5. Do it!

• Put your plan in to effect
• Start with step one and follow your steps
• Keep going through all your steps
• Try to minimise reflection

6. Evaluate your outcome

• What worked?
• What didn’t?
• Did you achieve your goal?
• Do you need to try another one of your solutions?
• Do you need to come up with a new action plan

Having both emotional and problem solving skills can help promote success and meet the challenges of failure. These skills promote a growth mindset that we can succeed if we keep trying and look for alternatives to achieve our goal. This moves us away from our fixed mindset and helps us be more resilient, which can be a greater predictor of success than IQ.

Video: Grit- The Power of Passion and Persistence (6 minutes)

Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time but it is the ability to resist or use failure that often leads to greater success -JK Rowling

In Japan objects that have been broken are repaired with gold to highlight the changes and reflect the beauty and value of the unique history. Remember this on your journey.

Apps:

• Smiling Mind – Free guided mindfulness activities that you can do no matter where you are via your phone or device. 3 million downloads can’t be wrong!
• Calm – Some options for calming yourself to reduce stress, improve sleep and engage in mindful movement are a part of this beautifully designed app.
• Headspace – This app offers a introduction to mindfulness meditation to allow you to tune into your thoughts more effectively to manage stress.
• Breathe2Relax – Guided practice to help you slow down your breathing and keep your fight or flight response in check!

Online Resources:

• The Road to Resilience is a great resource that has ideas for understanding what resilience means to you and how you can build resilience in your life.
• The University's Counselling and Psychological Service has a load of tip sheets including some to help you manage stress or memory study tips, or even work on grounding or breathing.
• The Centre for Clinical Interventions have some great modules and resources for developing ways to manage stress. You can do a few modules on a particular area such as stress, or look into particular techniques like problem solving.

More Videos

Video: Mental Toughness (14 minutes)

How our brain & behaviour can assist in us overcoming everyday barriers to success.

Video: The School of Life - The Problem of Shame (5 minutes)

Support is Available

• The University's After-Hours Support Line – talk to a counsellor outside of office hours (5pm-9am Mon-Fri and 24hrs weekends and public holidays. Ph: 1300 653 007 or SMS: 0488 884 165
• See a University Counsellor or Wellbeing Advisor – online counselling or face to face counselling available
• Attend a webinar or workshop – The University's Counselling and Psychological Service runs webinars and workshops on topics such as Procrastination, Perfectionism and Exam Anxiety. Check out the website for the current workshop timetable.

UPDATED MARCH 2022

Contact: onlinecounselling@newcastle.edu.au