No matter, it was my first chance to understand the process of losing a loved one. Someone that mattered to you and they were gone. Gone for good.

I didn't cry for a few days. I wasn't sad. I guess watching him suffer through his cancer and seeing him be peaceful in the coffin brought me a sense of comfort. It wasn't until I heard a Met's game, the sound of the bat and the excitement of the announcer ... it hit me. I teared up and balled my eyes out. I missed him. I missed what I did with him. I missed the feeling he gave me and I felt empty inside.

I remember her being very angry at God. I remember her crying often. I remember her talking with me telling me just how unfair it was. I also remember very clearly what I told her. I was in my teens and I said "You can't be selfish when it comes to God."

Imagine telling a woman who was like a mother to you in her moments of grief that she couldn't be selfish? By the way, I was just a kid and what did I know?

I did tell her God didn't mind her upset with Him. He knew she was going to react that way. He knew she would be upset. Feel lonely and also have a very empty desperate feeling inside. I also added that they were the lucky ones. We, the ones left behind had the hard job. They of course would be in paradise where there are no cares, no tears and no suffering. None of what we have here.

She asked me, "Why live then?" For which I said because that's what God needs for you to do. If He wanted you Home he'd take you. Just like he did her parents and Aunt and my Grandfather. That we are to live so their memory and what they represented would live even though they were no longer here. That our world needs people like us who love people so much that we are truly sadden when they are gone. It's that kind of love that helps others.

Losing a loved one is so very hard.

A few years ago my wife lost a father, my children lost a grandfather, my mother in law lost a partner and I lost a great father in law. It took me awhile to cry about it. In fact, months this time. I'm an adult after all and a grown man. However, that day I found my way back to the crack of the bat but this time simply in the quite just talking to God and something sparked the notion "He's gone". I wept for that lonely place that you feel knowing you can never ever tell that person anything. Hear their laugh. Watch them smile, shake their hand, hug them or get a little ticked off at them. I cried because it was all too soon. It wasn't fair. He was too young. He was too good a person to leave. But I heard that voice "You can't be selfish with God."

So I changed how I feel about it. I hurt. I even cried writing this. But I do know this. I'm a better person for that part of my life that I knew him. I'm here with great memories and stories to share. I'm here to let him live on just like my grandfather lives on. I'm here to perhaps help you as you process a loss. Knowing that even though it hurts life goes on and we do not have to stay in the mourning. Instead we can celebrate the time we did have. It will never be enough but it was truly a blessing to have had it.

To me their final resting place is not in the ground, in the ashes on the shelf or in the place that God took them from. No, their resting place is in the hearts and memories of the lives they touched. All of them. Not just mine or yours. In the people they made differences in (big or small) and how those peoples lives got impacted.

That same women years later lost her husband and she hasn't recovered from that heartache. How could she? He was her soulmate, the love of her life. She is now in her 80's and I'm no longer a teenager. I'm not at her kitchen table to be so bold with my words. Actually, I would want to say those words to her but wouldn't. I would hug her and hold her hoping to give her a small sense of comfort. I would thank her for being part of my life and I would cry with her mourning her loss. I would however pray for her so that our God would give her grace to recover, renew and live ... being better because of the time she did have with him.

I actually got to visit with her since I wrote this. Just last week in fact. Indeed a hugged her and while I didn't pray with her I did pray for her. Prayed that she would continue to find joy from having had him in her life. Joy in that she felt loved by a man that she loved enough to miss and to hurt for. To me that is a special love. To me it is a love to cherish and to celebrate. To hold in your soul and reflect it to others. To show this world until the day comes when God has decided He now needs you in his home not your own. Until then, he needs us to reflect this love in our lives and share that cherished gift of love with others. To not do this is to miss an incredible opportunity to reflect the goodness of God in that he blessed us with a loved one. A person who made a difference for us.

It's easy to write about hope, God and being selfish. Especially when you haven't lost that spouse or the young child. There are no words that can ever bring comfort since that new normal simply is not comfortable. However, we really must always understand that when we say "Your Will be done" ... we need to mean it. No matter what.

I have lived the past few years with a friend of mine who has lost two grandchildren. It truly hurts my soul to even think of it. The circumstances around their loss. You can't even imagine it and there is nothing you can say that could even bring meaning to it.

In this season his road seems dark and yet the ray of light, that is the Holy Spirit, reflects so strongly in him and shines ever brighter. It seems that in a man of God's life, when faith is truly tested and that darkness surrounds it, the Spirt shines even brighter. It has in him. Truly amazing to witness. To be part of and to in a very small way help.

During this same time I was with a man who was terminally ill with cancer. He was the happiest dying man I ever met. He too had a spirit that radiated. He too was taken away too young. He too loved God and let that love shine brightly even in the darkest of times.

I have been so very blessed to be part of these lives. To witness how to process loss. God keeps revealing thoughts that I so hope inspire you as they inspire me. The idea, that we need to overcome the losses in our lives so that we, the humble servants of God, continue to live in a world that needs us. To live on despite what has happened. To reflect the Spirit that is our comforter and to model for others how to survive in a place that will toss us some very hard things to live with. Despite that, our next day will bring someone to make a difference for, a story to help us with our own lives and inspiration that will bring a new awareness. A day to hug someone you knew so long ago. A day to give praise and thanks to a God how loves us through each of the loved ones he has given us.

Father God, please bless all of us who have lossed loved ones. Bring us your grace and heal our broken hearts. Teach us that you gave us the time with them to have had the chance to know them even if only for a moment. Teach us that while we can never have enough time that at least we did have that time. Teach us to live and love on. We ask all of this in Your son's name, Jesus Christ our savior. Amen.