Photo courtesy of History
Upon meticulous deliberation, Pinewood is thrilled to announce that it is introducing the teaching of Scientology into their Social Studies curriculum. Despite claims of cultish traditions and beliefs made by the media towards Scientology, the Pinewood community has excitedly begun to plan how to incorporate Scientology aspects in students’ daily lives.
The steps that led to this decision began with Pinewood’s idea to send out multiple polls and surveys to faculty and students for seeing their opinions towards adding this custom.
“Pinewood has too many serious classes that are plaguing their minds. Nobody needs to know how to read or use a fork to eat,” Head of Department of Banning Books Society Mrs. LooneyToons said. “Classes for tying shoes are already too draining for 17 year old adolescents. Instead, we should be teaching them the importance of Xenu!”
According to Scientology, Xenu is a malevolent intergalactic ruler who, upon advisory of space psychiatrists, handled overpopulation of the galaxy by culling inhabitants of the universe with a hydrogen bomb.
“I just hope Pinewood will accept the necessity of drafting all students into the intergalactic space war so that we can prevent Xenu or other deities from using electronic beams to stick ideas in our heads,” Class of 1629 BCE freshman Piggly Wiggly said.
As everyone knows, it is extremely important to know one’s emotional state at all times, including having an accurate count of evil alien spirits present inside ones’ body. Therefore, Pinewood faculty have taken the wise choice of placing E-Meters for exactly that purpose in all of the bathroom stalls.
Many students are hopeful to one day reach the Galactic Confederacy, the collection of planets that work together to govern the universe. They hope to do so to escape Earth, also known as Teegeeack, which became a prison planet for spirits because of Xenu.
Pinewood deeply believes that this education is primary to all others, and the community hopes that once all other schools adopt Scientology, the Bay Area can work to fight Xenu, or any other evil space aliens wherever they may appear. For more information on when this change to the curriculum will be enforced, contact tom_cruise_wannabe@gmail.com.