“You can have it all” is the message society constantly preaches to women. As women have gained rights throughout the last century and taken up roles outside the home, the workforce has become 46.6 percent female; nearly one-third of the working female population also has children, according to the United States Census Bureau. As the statement “you can have it all” lingers through the air, a piercing voice echoes back, “But how?” Women are constantly forced to examine how starting a family will affect their working lives, while simultaneously being pressured to have kids by those around them. So, how do women balance both family and a career, and how are those difficult decisions made? Read more about these women trailblazers below.
Sarah McDonald:
After attending a liberal arts college and majoring in English Literature, Sarah McDonald planned on following in her parent’s footsteps and attaining her PhD to become a professor. However, as McDonald ran her college’s dorm building as a Resident Assistant (RA), she discovered a new passion for leadership and soon began work in financial statement analysis for an insurance company.
Transitioning from the insurance world, McDonald received her master’s degree from Cornell University, in hopes of working in management consulting, in which companies bring outsiders in to help reach goals and resolve problems within the business. As her firm had a strategic partnership with eBay, she would work her way up and become a vital member of eBay’s team for 14 years. After eBay, McDonald would take roles as Chief Executive Officer (CEO) at ADETRO and an executive coach at a startup called LOM. While working as the Chief of Staff to the president of eBay, McDonald was diagnosed with two different types of cancer: adenoid cystic carcinoma and stage three breast cancer.
After a long battle, McDonanld managed to beat her cancer and have her miracle child, Rory. Following her fight with cancer, McDonald wrote and published her own book, “The Cancer Channel,” in which she hopes that the more openly cancer is discussed, the less scary it becomes. After finishing her book and hiring a nanny, McDonald decided to return to eBay, as she felt a strong sense of devotion and passion for this company that had supported her through each challenge.
“I loved the work that I was doing, and I built a great loyalty to eBay. I had cancer three years before I had Rory, so during the time that I had cancer, I was at eBay. And I had to take a year to go through cancer treatments. They were tremendously helpful and supportive of me, so I felt very beholden to people at eBay and wanted to go back to work, no question. So I did,” McDonald said.
McDonald’s decision to continue working wasn’t black and white. She was good at her job and enjoyed her accomplishments, but also wanted to be with her daughter. McDonald examined how fortunate she was to have the choice to return back to eBay, as her husband could support their family if she desired. Ultimately, setting an example for her daughter and going back to work was one of the best ways she could demonstrate female success.
“I loved the work I was doing and I loved the company. And I thought, ‘You know what? Excuse me, it is important for my girl to see me working in a male-dominated industry,’” McDonald said.
Work has not impeded McDonald’s relationship with her daughter in any way. McDonald created a plan that allows both her and Rory to thrive, while still making important quality time for one another.
“I think there are some moms who have a baby and they realize that all they’ve ever wanted to be is a mom. And you know, I love being a mommy. But when I went part time for a while and read to my daughter in the afternoons, I missed work,” McDonald said. “I loved being with Rory, but I … recognized that we would both be better off if she were in aftercare where she could be playing with her friends. That doesn't mean that we don't have a tremendous relationship, as we already have all of Saturday and Sunday planned out. But we're better when I am working.”
According to Payscale, 85 percent of women reported that the reason they quit their job was to take care of their children. Research from the Center of American Progress (CAP) shows that high child care costs resulted in a 13 percent decline in the employment of mothers. Women reported that if they had access to more affordable childcare, they would excel at their jobs and earn higher wages as they could spend the necessary time it takes to accomplish tasks. Wanting to have a career while raising a family is one matter, but the fashion in which women are accommodated by their employer is a whole different story — hence McDonald’s determination to set an example for her daughter of how to stand up and survive in the business world as a woman and mother.
Many women continue to work through motherhood not just because they love their job, but because it’s fulfilling to contribute ideas and have their success recognized. Being a mother comes with many ups and downs, but someone’s place of work shouldn’t downplay a woman’s capabilities because of gender — or even the fact that raising a family could cause harm to productivity.
“There was a male human resources person who referred to all of the women as girls. Using ‘girls’ historically has been a phrase [used] to make women not the adults in the room, not someone with an equal voice. I think it’s frustrating. I think there’s a humiliation factor because you feel like you are being presumed as not smart, and I think being presumed this way is a bit of a trigger for me,” McDonald said.
Just like it’s important to address inappropriate workplace language, McDonald values having important conversations with her partner to create the best plan possible for the family’s needs when the mother chooses to continue working. It’s not society’s job to determine one’s role in or outside of the home, and McDonald feels it's a decision unique to every individual.
“I think each woman and her partner, male or female, have to talk about what works for their family, and what makes them all happy. My strong opinion is — by family and by couples — they have to make the decision, and they need to continue to evaluate. Is it still working for our family?” McDonald said.
Sarah Friar:
After attending Stanford and becoming an engineer, Sarah Friar switched career paths to become a banker. Eleven years after working her way up at the prestigious firm Goldman Sachs, Friar transitioned to Salesforce as she wanted to build things, not just speak. However, a year into her position at Salesforce, the company Square came looking for a Chief Financial Officer — and she was the perfect fit. Friar found this opportunity very exciting as it combined two of her passions, technology and finance. She also found her work at Square to be rewarding as she was helping small businesses grow and make a profit, because at the time there wasn’t an easy way for them to accept credit cards. After being at Square for seven years, she leaped into her new position of CEO of Nextdoor, which again, had a focus on community. Throughout her career as a powerful business woman, Friar has had two children and raised a family all the while.
According to Friar, in order to have success, it’s important to define what success means to you.
“I find men often define success as wealth and money, and building things, [such as] market caps. And for me, it feels like it's so much more than that. I want to work on something that I feel has the ability to change the world,” Friar said.
To Friar, success also looks like her family. When working at Goldman, the thought of her starting a family wasn’t exactly embraced with open arms, but it’s something Friar wanted, and therefore something Friar would work for.
“When I was at Goldman, it wasn't like a done deal, because the finance sector was so male-dominated. So if you are a woman working in finance, you're very much expected to, honestly, act like a man most of the time. And so when I got pregnant with Izzy, I remember my mentor being really concerned, as she was a woman. She hadn’t had kids,” Friar said. “She was like, ‘I don't think you will be able to do it all.’ When I got pregnant with Mac, I had just gotten promoted into a very big job at Goldman. My boss said to me, ‘I wish you had told me before that you were pregnant,’ and I looked at him and wondered why. And it's clear what he wanted to say was, ‘Because we wouldn't have promoted you.’”
Friar remembers working at Goldman Sachs just after she had given birth to Izzy and taken her maternity leave. She remembers feeling the pressure “to sink or swim,” and if she were to keep afloat, it meant “doing it all,” as Goldman Sachs wasn’t the most friendly environment towards mothers.
“I was actually still on maternity leave, but we had our big tech conference. It was an incredibly important three or four days, as all the executive teams were there. My boss was pretty clear that I needed to be in attendance. So I was there with my little two-month-old still breastfeeding, and figured out how to sneak in between being onstage interviewing executive teams to go feed my baby, and to get back on stage. Sometimes I look back on it and feel exhausted,” Friar said. “So it wasn’t that they were criticizing me, but they were very clear that there were not going to be many accommodations.”
For Friar, having a successful career and raising children was made up of many factors. It was critical to her that if she made a commitment — whether that be bringing lunch to Mac’s kindergarten class or reading books at bedtime — that she followed through. Friar remembers having fleeting doubts about making it all work, which is why she prioritized not overthinking and sticking with her decisions.
“When my kids were babies, I worked on the west coast, but I worked New York hours. So what that meant was, I had to go to work at like five o'clock in the morning. But it meant that I could leave work at three, which is six o'clock, New York time. And I'd be home by four, which meant I got this period of time at the end of the day to spend with my children,” Friar said.
Sometimes, Friar would even bring Izzy with her to work, as her husband was equally exhausted from parenting. However, she continued to make things work.
“We'd have lunch together, she would draw. And then I had a little bed for her. And so she lies down and sleeps while I finish off my work. I was willing to make a big shift in how I worked to try to make the baby thing work at the same time,” Friar said.
Jennifer Ekman:
Ever since she was little, Jennifer Ekman had a passion for the arts, specifically singing, acting and dancing. As she grew older, she attended intensives like the Governor’s Honors Program, Michael Studios and Carnegie Mellon, perfecting her performing skills. Ekman would continue onto college in upstate New York, majoring in theater and a minor in vocal performance. In order to pursue her career in hopes of making it big, Ekman moved to Los Angeles, and would get calls from companies like TheatreWorks who wanted her to audition for roles in their shows. However, after moving to the Bay Area and settling down, she realized that starting a family was another piece of her life that was her passion.
Putting a career on hold, especially in show business, is a difficult decision. Ekman made it clear that after talking to the few women in this industry with children, there really is no practical time for a woman to start a family.
“I had asked a lot of people their opinions on it, and the best answer that I got — or the most common answer that I got — was that there is no good time to have children. Like literally, if you want them, you just do it whenever because whenever you do, it's going to impact your career no matter what you're doing,” said Ekman.
Ekman felt that while she had a passion for music, it wasn’t her only dream. A 2018 study conducted by Welch’s found that a mom spends 98 hours a week working to care for her children.
“As we all know, being a caretaker is a job in itself, whether it be for an elderly family member, in a nursing home or in a hospital, whatever. But those are the jobs people get paid [for]. So, as a parent, you're doing a lot of things that other people get paid for doing because they're your children and you love them,” said Ekman.
While Ekman’s decision to have children may have slowed her rise to fame, having children was something she had always dreamed of, and so in a way, that became her new dream.
“So here's the thing: I did have aspirations of [theater] becoming my career and what I do for life, and I do feel like that’s part of it, but it’s also a hobby. A lot of people don’t make a career out of their passions, and there’s a lot of struggle with that as an adult,” said Ekman.
Even with kids, Ekman still pursues an acting and singing career. She recently performed as a part of the company in “Merrily We Roll Along” with 42nd Street Moon Theatre. During quarantine, Ekman spent hundreds of hours to earn her yoga instructor certification and now proceeds to share her practice as a teacher. For Ekman, yoga is a way to navigate not only the challenges of motherhood but to ground herself. Yoga is a technique she takes with her in everyday tasks, and having kids led her in the most perfect direction.
“It's honestly taught me not to focus on things in the past or the future, but really just focus on the present. This sounds so cliche, but everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't change the way things have gone, because I think I'm exactly what I'm supposed to be right now,” Ekman said.