“Son, this bag belonged to my daughter. I use her bag to try and find her. This bag contains all the documents. It's now very old and has started to tear in many places. But I do not have the heart to change it. How do I throw away her bag, son?”
“I have many bags, son. But for how long can I use this one bag? How many places have we been to? How many protests have we organized amid threats? The bag usually gets damaged or gets torn off me during those times. But I have been using this bag for the past four months.”
“I have not attended any protests in a long time. I am fed up. I have kept all documents relating to my son in a bag. I had bags that were in good condition during those times. But now I don’t go anywhere.”
“I have been using this particular bag for the past 13 years. I have kept a photograph of my son and documents related to him safely in this bag.”
Relatives of those who were forcibly disappeared have been carrying out continuous protests in the North and East in search of their loved ones for more than 2,000 days. Their struggle began from the day their children, husbands, wives, brothers and sisters disappeared, many after they had crossed over to the military controlled area at the end of the war in May 2009. Since then, the families have been fighting with unwavering courage and determination despite threats, surveillance and attacks.
In the arduous journey families of the disappeared have undertaken, the bags that contain the memories of their loved ones have been an integral part of the struggle. Some of these bags are still part of their journey while some of them have been removed. Others have lost their companions and been abandoned and some still remain within homes, a symbol of a memory gone, of lost hope.
These are some of their stories.
“My son met me and spoke to me for the last time on November 17, 2008. I never saw him after that. We have visited every camp in search of him. I even went to the Boosa camp and to the 4th floor of the CID. Everywhere, we got the same answer. They told us that there was no one matching his description with them.
We don’t need any help. All we need is our child back. They could give us material things and food but it can’t replace our children in any way.
People told us that they saw our son last during the fighting. He might have surrendered to the army.
The army had brought my son to the Ananda Coomaraswamy camp in 2010. People who were there said they had called for the mother, father or any relatives of Sathiyanathan Sasikumar. We could not be there as we were far away at the time. They took my son away before we could reach the camp. Doesn’t this mean that my son is alive?
We have lost everything. My daughter’s husband was killed in a shell attack. My daughter lives with great difficulties while providing for a six year-old child. My youngest son died in front of my eyes after being struck by a shell.
He would have been 18 years old now.
I don’t go to the temple anymore. Going for any joyous occasions is a thing of the past. I only go for funerals now. If I attend any celebratory occasion, my relatives will ask me questions about my son and that may trigger a breakdown. Therefore, I do not go.
I went to a temple in Batticaloa in 2019. The soothsayer there doesn't take money. We only have to give Rs. 100 to the temple as a donation. As soon as I went there, he saw me and said, ‘You are coming from far away. You haven’t had anything to eat or drink. But you coming here is of no use. Please look after your other children. Don’t ask me anything more.’ I wept throughout the journey home. I haven’t told anyone this story but it’s always on my mind.
To my family I said that my son would return home.”
Sathiyanathan Inthirakanthi (57 years)
Son - Sasikumar - (21 years)
“Amma is sick. She has been sick thinking about my elder brother and worrying about him for a long time. She is unable to walk now, so she can’t go for any protests. It is just my father and I that go for them. My father is also sick. He is 66 years old and is the one who provides for our family.
We would not have been in this situation if our eldest brother was with us. He would have had a job and looked after us properly. February 18, 2009 was the last day my mother saw my brother and spoke to him. He was 18 years old at the time. My uncles had seen him after that day, but no one has seen him since.
We received a phone call when we were in the camp in 2011. The person on the line told my mother that it was her son speaking but we never received any more phone calls from that number after that. No matter how many times we tried to call, the phone was always switched off.
We went everywhere and inquired about him. We went to the temple and asked about him. The soothsayers said that my elder brother was alive. We believe that he is alive. My mother believes that she will see her son before she passes away.”
Iaraimakal (57 years)
Elder brother Kannan - (18 years)
"My son had got into a military bus after he surrendered. Another boy whom we know also got into the same bus. The both of them were taken to a camp. It was at that time they had seen each other and had spoken. The other boy was released. Now he is married and has two children.
One day when my daughter was travelling to Jaffna by bus, that boy had spoken to her. My daughter cried and told him that her brother had not returned and that she did not know if he was alive. He had said, ‘No, sister. He is alive. I saw Suthakaran and spoke to him. He has an injury on his left leg. He is always thinking of you. He is in the camp. He will come.’
We received a letter from Colombo asking us to come to some place in Colombo. I don’t remember the place. No one at home was willing to send me to Colombo. The next day we received a phone call. It was in November and it was raining heavily. The person said, ‘Is this Puvaneswari? Your son is here. His name is Suthakaran right? Come to Vavuniya.’ I went to the CID office in Vavuniya. They said they did not know anything. We didn’t receive another call after that. The number never worked when we tried calling.
People had seen my son in Vattuvaakal. He had eaten with the people there. How can they say he is not there? It has been 13 years. We have gone everywhere we could. All these places say that he is not with them. If so where did my son, who was in detention, go?
We went to soothsayers in temples. They said that our son was alive and that he was always thinking of his mother, father and his elder sister.
I am now 72 years old son. I do not know for how long I will be alive. I want to see him before I die, son.
Puvaneswari (72 years)
Son – Suthakaran (29 years)
“After we were displaced, we were in a bunker in Pokkanai. I think it was April 15, 2009. A shell crashed nearby. We ran in all directions. My wife sustained head injuries. That was the time I lost track of my second son. I don’t know where he ran. I’m still searching for him today.
Those who know us said they saw him. When we asked if he had any injuries, they said it did not seem like it. If so, he should be alive, don’t you think? I will be the first person at any protest. I am still living in the hope that I will somehow find him.
His mother does not go to any protests. A piece of the shell is still lodged in her head. We were told that it cannot be removed as it would be fatal. She has cancer as well. She goes to the clinic twice every month. She can't do anything. If she were to attend protests, she might faint.
She is always alone and crying. She believed that her son would return. Now she says she does not have faith. What else can we do? I attend the protests while working for daily wages. For how long can we do this?”
Sinnathambi Nadarasa (age 63)
Son - Nadarasa Rahulan (age 18)
"I’m constantly worried. My head hurts, son. I have forgotten everything. I don’t remember dates. I am always thinking about her. How can I not think of her? She was the eldest. We don’t have many children.
Someone saw my daughter at Valaignarmadam. We searched for her in the camp. She was not there. We searched everywhere even after coming out. We have registered our complaint at all places we could think of.
We don’t go anywhere now. I only go if someone calls me or if there is a bus. I could go for protests if I had money. I do not go to work frequently. What do I do with that money?
I have two children. She was the eldest. She would have single handedly looked after the whole family if she were here. I wouldn’t have needed to go to work at this age.”
Velu Menakadevi (age 63)
Daughter - Velu Dushyanthi (age 25)
“We do not believe that she is alive, son. Would she be alive after all these years? We have lost all hope. We went to see soothsayers in temples. Even they say that she is not alive.
My son-in-law went everywhere in search of her for as long as he could. He took part in many protests. He eventually fell sick. It has been six months since he passed away. I now live with my youngest daughter. She is the one who earns and provides for us.
We cannot go to any protests now, son. I can't do anything. My daughter has to go to work so she can't go for protests either. It has been many years now. If she were indeed alive, don’t you think we would have received some information? There has been nothing like that. So where do we go in search of her?
Now we have no expectation. What is gone is gone. We searched for her and have now given up.”
Rahulan Kanagavalli (age 62)
Daughter - Rahulan Kogilavani (age 23)
“While she was in a camp, our daughter gave a note to a vendor at the camp. The note said, ‘They will take me somewhere else. Tell Amma or Appa to come and see me’. But we never received that note. At the time, we were in Zone 4.
The vendor told some of our relatives about this but he didn’t give them the note. I gave this information when the government asked me. I have gone everywhere. But I don’t go anywhere now. I can’t travel. My wife lived with our daughter's memory until she eventually passed away.
Now I am all alone.
“I have cancer. I work for daily wages to feed myself even at this age. I have two daughters. They are married and living separately.
“I have visited many soothsayers but I don’t go to them anymore. Let her come if she can.”
Veeramalai Nadarasa (age 78)
Daughter - Nadarasa Sulochana (age 18)
“My brother used to help to carry the wounded onto a tractor during the war. He did this without ever thinking of himself despite even the constant shell attacks.
An elderly person whom we know told us that my brother was injured in a shell attack while he was doing this on January 31, 2009. He said that my brother did not suffer serious injuries and that he had been admitted to the Udayarkattu hospital. But when we went to the hospital in search of him, he was not there. We continued to search for him until we crossed over to the military controlled area. Although people kept telling us that they saw him, we could not find him anywhere.
Only my mother attends the protests. She is now 55 years old. She is not as physically active as she used to be. My father is sick, so we attend these protests with great difficulty.
We have filed complaints at many places, providing them with letters and photographs. We believe that my brother will return one day. “
Subramaniyam Kausalya (28 years)
Elder brother - Thayalan Kannan (20 years)
“I am fed up with searching, son. We have given up. Our son will return if he is alive.
We don’t know if he is dead or alive. At this age, we don’t know whether to search for him or to go to work and earn some money to feed ourselves. What do we do, son?
We saw our son for the last time on March 17, 2009 in Valaingarmadam. He asked us to go ahead and told us that he will follow. We waited until the last minute, hoping he would come. We left as we couldn’t stay there any longer. To this day our son, who said that he will come, has not come home yet.
While in the camp, soothsayers said my son was in a high security area but that his life was not in danger and that he had sustained injuries to his leg. One of the boys in the LTTE also said that our son had a knee injury.
He is our eldest son. We would not be like this if he was with us. He knows a lot of things. He worked as a mechanic.
I am 67 years old now. We have food only if I work. I cannot afford to fall sick and stay at home. Both my daughters are married and living separately. I don’t think it is right for us to ask them for help.”
Murugaiya Segar (67 years)
Son - Segar Ananthasekar (24 years)
“My daughter was 17 years old when she went missing. Now she would be 30. We were together when there was heavy shelling in our area on March 17, 2009. It was at that time we lost our daughter who ran away from fright. We looked for her everywhere until we crossed over to the military controlled area. We could not locate her. We also looked for her in the camp. The struggle that started that day continues to this day.
We participated in all protests and also reached out to the Paranagama Commission in the hope that they would find my child.
Members of our family even sought the help of soothsayers who our daughter is alive, but it has been 13 years and we are yet to find answers.
I am 57 years old. I can only attend these protests for as long as I can. The leaders of the missing persons associations say that she is alive and urge us not to give up so that’s why we are continuing to go to these protests.
They take us in buses. We take part in the protests, one among the hundreds. We shout, we hold placards and then we return.
What else can we do? Nothing.”
Sathiyanathan Vijayenthiran (age 57)
Daughter - Thamilini (age 17)
“My son-in-law was in the LTTE. He was with us during the final stages of the war. My daughter married him in 2005. They were only married for four years. I crossed over to the military controlled area along with my one and a half year old grandson and my daughter. Now my grandson is 15 years old and is in 10th grade. He does not remember anything about his father.
We came to the military-controlled area on May 17, 2009. Some of those who crossed over told us that they had seen my son-in-law in Mullivaikkal. We were hopeful that he would cross over too. We thought that we could take him with us if he came there. But we could not find him.
My daughter works a daily wage job. She is the one who looks after us. She does not come for any of the protests; it is just me who goes for all of them. Sometimes my wife joins me. We will go anywhere, no matter who calls us. My son-in-law’s mother also attends the protests.
My daughter still believes that he is alive somewhere and that he will return one day. We also believe that he will return someday, somehow. We do not know for how long we will be alive. My daughter does not have anyone after us.”
C. Tharmalingam (75 years)
Son-in-law Puvaneswaran - (33 years)
“My daughter worked as a land surveyor for the LTTE. She never carried arms and she never in any fought battles. She is the eldest of my two daughters. I saw her last in February 2009 in Mathalan. I never heard from her after that day.
“My wife visited soothsayers in Batticaloa and Trincomalee. All of them told her that our daughter is alive. We believe what they told her. We believe that she will return some day.
“I only go if there are any protests nearby. I do not go for all of them. I have to go to work; we would not have anything to eat if I attend a protest for a whole day
“I am not as physically able as I used to be, son. I keep forgetting a lot of things. I want her to return to us before I forget everything. I want to see her somehow. Some say she is not alive anymore and are conducting rituals for the dead. I don’t believe that she is dead. She is alive somewhere. I know that.”
Muttiah Mahalingam (62 years)
Daughter - Nishanthini (25 years)
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