ENDING THE CYCLE OF FATHER WOUNDS By Bob Reccord

About the Author

At the age of 19, Bob Reccord surrendered his life to Jesus Christ, compelled to make a difference in the lives of others because of the difference Christ had made in Him. Believing that Christ had called him both to a personal relationship with Him, and an exciting personal mission alongside Him, Bob has served Christ in several different venues.

About the Book*

Wounds happen in all kinds of relationships, but perhaps none are more potentially damaging that those caused by "friendly fire" from those closest to us. And by no means are all relational wounds intentional. Many times they are the result of lack of emotional engagement, harsh--or absent--words, lack of expressed love and pride, or criticism. When they come from a father, step-dad, or major father-figure they leave a lot of collateral damage.

Sadly, much of that damage, can be passed on to succesive generations and families if they are not addressed, cared for and healed. As I have spoked to several hundred thousand people in the last decade I have found that many admit to carry Father Wounds. Among men, I have found the percentage to be as high as 70-75% in an average audience, whether the audience has numbered 100 or 10,000. And men ofter try to avoid the admisson of, let alone the confronting of, Father Wounds. From early in life they are challenged to "Get tough," "Suck it up," and reminded that "Big Boys don't cry!"

But why do Father Wounds occur and how does someone effectively address them? What developments in our culture's history have contributed to the emergence of Father Wounds? How did so many men who become fathers, step-dads and grandfathers get wounded themselves? In Fathering, what is a child needs most from their dad or step-dad? How do you know if Father Wounds have affected your own life?

In ENDING THE CYCYLE OF FATHER WOUNDS you will find a helpful overview of how many families have arrived at a point where Father Wounds are an issue. You'll find a self-administered Father Wounds Assesment Tool which you can use to help determine if Father Wounds play a role in your history, so that you may take helpful steps to assure they don't negatively impact your future.

Additionally, you'l find helpful steps one can take to begin to heal the "infections of Father Wounds." Addressed will be questions such as...

• How does one effectively deal with with forgiving Father Wounds?
• How do you practice Scripture's command to "Honor your father..." if there have been Father Wounds?
• How do you restore ruptured relationships?
• How do you prevent causing Father Wounds, if you experienced them yourself?
• How do you establish boundaries in toxic relationships and address the challenges?
• How do you make wise choices about the future and future relationships?

This book can be a helpful resource to every family, and especially every dad, step-dad and grandfather!

CHAPTER 1 Fathers Rock!

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• John 5:19,
• John 10:30,
• Mark 1:1,
• Mark 9:7,
• Matthew 17:5.

Quotes from the chapter.

• But equally important are fathers. While any male can become a father through a biological act, it requires intentional focus, devotion, and tons of work to be a good one! Kindle Locations 238-239)
• Research clearly shows that where a father is physically and emotionally engaged, children are by far healthier, stronger emotionally, more secure socially and relationally, and happier. (Kindle Locations 241-242)
• And as for fathers, it has well been pointed out that one of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother visibly and daily in front of the kids. Kindle Locations 242-243)
• Absent Fathers … it. Your invisible presence will be felt for decades.” (Kindle Locations 253-254)

Chapter Weekly Reading: Malachi 4

CHAPTER 2 Wounded Warriors

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

None mentioned

Quotes from the chapter.

• Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, too often young warriors are wounded on the battlefield of growing up. And far too often the wounds come from “friendly fire.” (Kindle Locations 319-320)
• Mouths are in motion before minds are in gear. (Kindle Locations 329-330).
• How many of you had a dad, stepdad, or father figure who regularly and consistently told you he loved you unconditionally and was proud of you for who you were, not just for how you performed, and was regularly engaged with you and those things important to you as you were growing up? Kindle Locations 338-340)
• An injury to the heart and soul (whether by words, actions or inactions) that typically involves damage to, or breaking, of a relationship (Kindle Locations 347-348).
• An emotional injury to the heart and soul caused by what a dad, stepdad, or father figure did—or did not do—in words, actions, or inactions as a child grew through childhood and adolescence, damaging or rupturing relationships as a result. (Kindle Locations 349-351).
• ... it is not too late to turn corners, repair damage, heal wounds, and move into a great, promise-filled future. (Kindle Locations 370-371).

Chapter Weekly Reading: Genesis 37

CHAPTER 3 - Taking a Personal Examination

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

None mentioned

Quotes from the chapter.

• FATHER WOUND ASSESSMENT (Kindle Location 419).
• Because if you don’t know—or you’re not willing to admit—where you are, you’ll never get to where you need to be. (Kindle Locations 485-487)

Chapter Weekly Reading: 2 Corinthians 13

CHAPTER 4 - Why So Many Wounded, and Why So Many Wounds?

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

Quotes from the chapter.

• Fathers would work side by side with their family members on a daily basis. (Kindle Location 512).
• Chores were all those things that had to get done within the home for the family to be able to function effectively. (Kindle Locations 516-517).
• Many would return carrying with them physical and emotional trauma from the conflicts and would be faced with another trauma: having to adjust to fatherhood and resuming marriage while carrying a lot of baggage. (Kindle Locations 540-542).
• Their response of choice would be silence, not engaging in discussions about the trauma, just “keeping it inside.” (Kindle Locations 567-568).
• Debt skyrocketed as people embraced a “buy now, pay later” philosophical lifestyle. (Kindle Locations 579-580).
• When a man’s greatest need is being adequate, and his greatest fear is being inadequate, imagine how many men experienced wounds in their self-respect, self-image, and confidence. (Kindle Locations 589-591).
• And those wounds would often be passed on to children—many of whom would become future fathers. (Kindle Location 593).
• Less and less time was available to spend with the kids, and the normal prolonged interaction that came with the days of rural life vanished. (Kindle Locations 596-597).
• Harry Chapin’s song “Cat’s in the Cradle”
• As marriages increasingly imploded across the nation, kids experienced increasing wounds from parents’ choices. (Kindle Locations 615-616).
• Governmental funding actually incentivized single mothers not to marry the fathers of their children so that they might receive greater financial support.
• Fatherlessness in the inner city—and especially in black communities—exponentially exploded, reaching 72 percent of all black children. (Kindle Locations 633-635).
• Making matters more difficult, when he was home, he really wasn’t home—he was often too tired to be engaged. But worst of all, he had wounds from his own growing up that naturally traveled along with him as he established his own marriage and family. Father Wounds have a way of doing that. (Kindle Locations 650-653).
• I did not understand at the time that Father Wounds tend to be multigenerational until someone puts a stop to the repeating cycle. (Kindle Locations 657-658).

Chapter Weekly Reading: 2 Samuel 11

CHAPTER 5 - Fathers in Search of Solidity and Significance

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Ecclesiastes 3:11
• John 14:6

Quotes from the chapter.

• There is a part of every man that yearns for life that requires his best—not merely his least, or even average. (Kindle Locations 677-678).
• I have found that the thing being sought was not simply the thrill of the hunt but, equally, the search for wholeness and significance in my own soul—and a sense of being adequate as a man. (Kindle Locations 684-685).
• “Sometimes the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in an adventure or experience.” (Kindle Locations 692-693).
• … it is possible for a man to be a recognized and visible success in the workplace while being a colossal failure at home. (Kindle Locations 693-694).
• Who am I? Why do I exist? Do I have what it takes to make a difference? Where am I going? Will I be adequate and have what it takes? (Kindle Locations 707-708).
• The scientist Paschal said that every human has a God-shaped vacuum in his or her soul—a God-shaped hole. (Kindle Location 719).
• I cannot discover who I am until I’m ready to deal with whose I am. (Kindle Locations 722-723).
• Character development is displaced by a performance trap. And as we age the performance is often job and career centered, rather than family centered. Too often men see faster “results” at work than at home. (Kindle Locations 732-734).
• Whether on the sports fields or floors, academics, or whatever the activity, I wanted to measure up, to be adequate and to hear my dad, above all else, say so. (Kindle Locations 739-740).

Chapter Weekly Reading: Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

CHAPTER 6 - What Every Child Needs in a Dad

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Deuteronomy 6:4–9 NLT
• Deuteronomy 32:46–47 NLT

Quotes from the chapter.

• Every child needs a secure environment in which they feel safe, where trust is a key. (Kindle Locations 750-751).
• In order for children to be healthy they need to experience the security and freedom to be children. (Kindle Locations 755-756). Total Life Impact Ministries. Kindle Edition.
• When it comes to the home environment, the home should be a secure environment of love and encouragement, help and assistance, building-up and affirmation, and warmth and peace. (Kindle Locations 758-759).
• As teens go through their most tumultuous years of puberty, hormones, and emotional conflicts, they need a dad who will stand both WITH them and AGAINST the many forces that assail them. (Kindle Locations 768-770).
• … it is critical at each stage for kids to see their dad as provider and protector. (Kindle Locations 776-777).
• Boys so desperately long to hear their dad say “I’m proud of you” (Kindle Location 780).
• Every life needs boundaries … The boundaries were given not to limit their joy but to protect their freedom. (Kindle Locations 801-802).
• … when boundaries are crossed, the appropriate consequences need to be experienced, not sloughed off, delayed, or forgotten. (Kindle Locations 816-817).
• Boundaries require clarity of understanding as to what is meant, why they exist, and the consequences that will result if they are breached. (Kindle Locations 833-834).
• Simply stated, a good coach is one who offers support and assistance to those he (or she) coaches in order to help their players develop and implement skills, execute meaningful change, and achieve desired goals. (Kindle Locations 846-847).
• What a son desires deeply in his soul to hear from his dad, more than anything else, is how proud his dad is of him—not just how he performs (e.g., on the athletic field or floor), but far greater regarding the character by which he lives. (Kindle Locations 855-857).
• There is no better place to get a base than the biblical book of Proverbs, which clearly delineates among three types of people: wise, foolish, and evil. (Kindle Locations 889-890).
• Start making your list of the character qualities of wise people, foolish people, and evil people… cultivate the characteristics of the wise person. (Kindle Locations 934-935).

Chapter Weekly Reading: 1 Samuel 2:12-26

CHAPTER 7 A Word from the Front-Row Seats

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

None mentioned

Quotes from the chapter.

• There’s just something about the authenticity of “been there, experienced that.” (Kindle Locations 946-947).
• That doesn’t mean that they were bad men but merely that one had made some very poor life choices while the other had grown up through very difficult and life-altering circumstances, many beyond his control. (Kindle Locations 993-995).
• There’s no question that provision is a sign of love, but it cannot be the sole, or even primary, means of expression of that love. (Kindle Locations 1006-1007).
• But in the eyes and heart of a young person, the unintentional can be as hurtful as the intentional. (Kindle Locations 1038-1039).
• Rather than acknowledging the existence of our invisible inner injuries and treating them, we often attempt to distance ourselves from them by deflecting our pain onto those around us. And, typically, we hurt others most deeply in the areas of our deepest wounding. (Kindle Locations 1044-1046).

Chapter Weekly Reading:Acts 22:6-21, 2 Corinthians 11:16-27

CHAPTER 8 Every Rupture Needs to Be Restored

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

Quotes from the chapter.

• And with time, the small fracture becomes bigger, and worse, when not corrected (Kindle Locations 1092-1093).
• Father Wounds happen equally unexpectedly. (Kindle Location 1117).
• At the center core of repairing and restoring ruptured relationships, such as Father Wounds, is forgiveness. (Kindle Locations 1134-1135).

Chapter Weekly Reading: John 21

CHAPTER 9 The Miracle of Forgiveness

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Deuteronomy 6:5
• James 2:10
• Jeremiah 17:9
• Isaiah 59:2
• John 1:29
• 1 Peter 3:18 NLT
• Psalm 103:8–12 NLT
• Jeremiah 31:3 NLT
• Exodus 34:7 NLT
• Isaiah 43:25 NLT
• Isaiah 55:6–7 NLT
• Micah 7:18 NET
• 2 Corinthians 5:19 NET

Quotes from the chapter.

• WHERE FATHER WOUNDS exist, forgiveness is essential—for your sake, as well as for everyone around you and those who will follow in your footsteps. Wounds leave ragged edges of hurt, offense, anger, and bitterness. (Kindle Locations 1139-1141).
• So it is with Father Wounds. The initial wound is hurtful, but it is the hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness over time that becomes deadly to relationships. (Kindle Locations 1156-1157).
• in the wounded person’s mind becomes more and more “infected.” And that creates anger. And anger, over time, breeds an unforgiving spirit, which leads to the onset of bitterness. (Kindle Locations 1160-1162).
• Forgiveness is not “putting up” with someone or “grinning and bearing it,” plastering a fake smile on your face when the person comes into your presence. (Kindle Locations 1178-1179).
• The wound always resurrects! (Kindle Location 1187).
• Canceling the debt of a legitimate or perceived wound from another, restoring a view of worth to the offender, and ceasing to withhold the possibility of restored relationship (Kindle Locations 1200-1201).
• Canceling the debt—This means ceasing to hold the other party responsible for having to do something in order to merit forgiveness; (Kindle Locations 1202-1203).
• the forgiving party needs to see the “offending party” as still a person of worth who is created in the image of God. (Kindle Locations 1209-1210).
• when we abandon God’s loving boundaries, we often discover the temptation to blame Him for our troubles! (Kindle Locations 1248-1249).
• God! He doesn’t ask us to do what He has not consistently modeled. (Kindle Locations 1290-1291).

Chapter Weekly Reading: MATTHEW 18:21-35

CHAPTER 10 God States His Expectation

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Matthew 6:12 NLT
• Matthew 6:14–15 NLT
• Ephesians 4:32
• Colossians 3:13
• 1 Corinthians 13:4–7
• Ephesians 4:2–3
• Romans 12:18, 12:19
• Matthew 5:23–24

Quotes from the chapter.

• God consistently and eternally stands ready to forgive, … He also clearly states what He expects from us. (Kindle Locations 1295-1297).
• But, if we aren’t willing to grant forgiveness, we are also not ready to receive it! (Kindle Locations 1310-1311).
• … there shouldn’t be a limit on our willingness to grant forgiveness. (Kindle Location 1340).
• “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” (Kindle Locations 1342-1343).
• Feelings are not the rails upon which meaningful forgiveness usually runs. (Kindle Location 1368).
• Canceling the debt of a legitimate or perceived wound from another, restoring a view of worth to the offender, and ceasing to withhold the possibility of restored relationship (Kindle Locations 1380-1382).

Chapter Weekly Reading:

CHAPTER 11 “What Do You Mean Honor Your Father? He Doesn’t Deserve it!”

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Exodus 20:12

Quotes from the chapter.

• When hurt and wounds have been present—perhaps even anger or bitterness—often a relationship has been ruptured at best, or lost at worst. (Kindle Locations 1399-1400).
• STAGES OF GRIEF (Kindle Location 1407).
• Where there have been wounds, hurts, and disappointments, the only way to get beyond them with health for the future is to accept them for what they are but refuse to be crippled or trapped by them. (Kindle Locations 1440-1442).
• one of the strongest things a man can do is to admit his need to deal with the past so that he may maximize the future. (Kindle Locations 1445-1446).
• one of the strongest things a man can do is to admit his need to deal with the past so that he may maximize the future. (Kindle Locations 1445-1446).
• He will bless the one who chooses to honor his or her parent regardless of how they feel about the responsibility. What a great reminder that our decisions in life set a definite direction that will lead to an inevitable destination. (Kindle Locations 1456-1458).
• When the Hebrew Bible was translated to Greek the word chosen for honor was one used to signify honor surrendered to a superior and elder or that of a guest to a host. (Kindle Locations 1469-1470).
• The fifth commandment exists because it is in the home that honoring of all authority is learned. (Kindle Locations 1473-1474).

Chapter Weekly Reading:

CHAPTER 12 Choosing to Recover—The Pathway to Peace

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Ezekiel 36:26–27
• 2 Timothy 1:12

Quotes from the chapter.

• ...the journey toward freedom and the healing of your Father Wounds will be tackled in two parts. Your part and God’s part. (Kindle Locations 1493-1494).
• A truth for all people, everywhere, and for all times is We cannot do what God alone can do, but God will not do what we ourselves must do. (Kindle Locations 1501-1502).
• True freedom comes only when a mental shift is able to be made to a new paradigm in which the abused person can now interact on an intimate level with others without the fear of rejection or shame—thus, social connection.) (Kindle Locations 1549-1551).
• It is critically important to let him know that your focus is on specific items and circumstances, and not a condemnation of his total being. (Kindle Locations 1574-1575).
• One interesting observation is that woundedness often stems from abusive parents who see their children as threats and treat them accordingly. (Kindle Locations 1628-1629).
• When involved with an angry person, the rule of thumb is never debate anyone when the emotions are high, and if the other person’s voice goes up, yours needs to go down. (Kindle Locations 1635-1637).
• Forgiving your father is your responsibility. However, forgiveness and reconciliation are very different. (Kindle Location 1672).
• You will never be able to erase the memory of your past hurts, but you can short-circuit that pain so its effects will not interfere with your daily life any longer. (Kindle Locations 1682-1683)
• We can forgive a person who never says he or she is sorry. We cannot be truly reunited unless the other person is honestly sorry. (Kindle Locations 1703-1705).
• … it takes a strong man to admit he needs a helping hand in doing what is right. (Kindle Locations 1710-1711).

Chapter Weekly Reading:

CHAPTER 13 Key Steps to Finding Closure

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Joel 2:25, 27
• Philippians 4:13
• Isaiah 40:29–31
• 2 John 6
• 1 John 2:5–6
• 1 Corinthians 13:6–7, 13:4–5
• Ephesians 2:16
• Ephesians 4:15
• Galatians 5:22–23
• 1 Thessalonians 1:6
• Romans 15:14;
• Ephesians 5:9;
• 2 Thessalonians 1:11
• Philippians 3:14 KJV
• Joel 2:25 KJV
• 1 Peter 5:7
• Psalm 37:5
• Psalm 81:6

Quotes from the chapter.

• Formula for victory: 1 (client’s responsibility) + 1 (God’s part) = WON! (Kindle Locations 1723-1724).
• ... he should attempt viewing the process of forgiveness from the spiritual perspective—so that he could then see the whole valley from the “mountaintop” of Scripture with clarity. (Kindle Locations 1761-1762).
• I went on to impress upon Bill that love is the drive that desires the ultimate best for another (even his father, who had created wounds) within the guidelines of God’s Word. (Kindle Locations 1774-1775).
• Forgiveness requires only one person and focuses on the past. Reconciliation, on the other and, requires both people, and without repentance on the offending party’s side the likelihood of reconciliation lasting is doubtful. (Kindle Locations 1780-1782).
• ... ask God to reveal to him at least one heavenly insight on one or more of the specific feelings he was experiencing and write those nuggets down in his journal. (Kindle Locations 1816-1817).

Chapter Weekly Reading:

CHAPTER 14 The Choice Is Yours!

Scripture verses used or referenced in the chapter.

• Exodus 20:5; 34:7;
• Numbers 14:18;
• Deuteronomy 5:9.
• Ezekiel 18:2–4 NLT: 18:13, v. 14, v. 17b–18, 18:19–22 NLT
• Romans 12:1–2
• 2 Corinthians 5:17
• Ephesians 2:8–9

Quotes from the chapter.

• Choices play a huge role in our lives. They set a direction … That leads to an inevitable destination (depending on the decision) … That creates a destiny. (Kindle Locations 1868-1871).
• But it is very clear in our day that choices do have consequences. And the consequences can affect many who had nothing to do with the decision. Therefore, without question, the effects of sin are passed down from one generation to another. (Kindle Locations 1880-1882).
• So, I made the decision that it had to come to a stop with me setting a boundary that was clear and in which the potential consequences were understood. (Kindle Locations 1937-1938).
• It all comes down to choices. And often they’re not easy. But making wise ones sure is important. I hope as you move through your future, you, too, will do everything in your power to leave plenty of Father Blessings and few—or better yet, no—Father Wounds! (Kindle Locations 2017-2020). Total Life Impact Ministries.

Chapter Weekly Reading: Deuteronomy 30

* About the Book and About the Author sections are both populated with information from the Amazon Web Store.