Building Social Connections QUEST

Myth: Everyone else finds it easy to make friends

Reality: Many people do not find making friends easy. Even those who have friends may find making and sustaining friendship hard work at times. Likewise just because someone wants friends, doesn’t mean they feel comfortable initiating a friendship or even knowing how to respond to someone who seems friendly. It can be a good idea to try to be friendly and start a conversation, listen and recognise how the other person is responding (both verbally and non-verbally) and check in with how you are feeling too! The truth is you may think you want to be friends with someone, but until you get to know them you don’t know if they are worth your time either!

Myth: I have to really know someone to be their friend

Reality: In reality we will often have different friends for different times. Sometimes friendships can be seasonal, occurring at a specific time in our lives, or they may be friends for a particular reason or purpose. Think about the friends you had in school, perhaps some of these are still in your life now, but for many of us, these friendships will be less important after school unless they adapt as we grow. Likewise we might become friends with people who enjoy playing the same sport, or people that we work with, and we can enjoy these friendships in the moment or use them to assess whether there is a possibility of a longer lasting connection. We don’t have to have a one size fits all approach to our friends.

Myth: I am too busy to make friends

Reality: The truth is many of us are really busy, and sometimes it can seem like you are just too busy to add anything to your to-do list, including making or sustaining friendships. But regardless of whether we are busy or not, we can (and should) make time to do things that we value. And if you value making friends then you can use that as a part of what you do in your life. So if you have plans, such as going to the library or heading to the gym, why not ask someone along? And if you don’t have plans, then think about how you could make some and use it as a way to catch up with friends or make connections, for example, getting a coffee, having lunch or going to the beach.

The future depends on what we do in the present - Gandhi

Your time at university should not only be about study, assignments and exams. Your experience here can be much richer if it includes far more than that!

Some students find their lifelong friend at university; for others this journey is much lonelier. What we do know is that we thrive when we have friends and family who love us, listen to us and help us solve problems. We need to maintain these networks and enjoy social time out without feeling that we should be studying constantly. Social life helps us focus when we do study.

Students are often juggling university study with all sorts of other pressures in their lives. You may have paid work or children or a parent who needs extra care. Or maybe you’re not in the best of health yourself? What we know is that university students often experience a high rate of stress and have poor mental wellbeing, but what we also know is that having strong social connections at Uni is important in improving our mental wellbeing. This is not just important for us as students, as these social connections and can also lead us to live happier and longer lives.

Video: TED talk - The Secret to Living Longer May be Your Social Life (16 min)

It is not surprising that loneliness at university is common. Loneliness can be experienced at different times throughout your life and during your time at university. It is common amongst new students, students who work long hours in paid employment, or in courses with high student numbers.

Making social connections can sometimes help with loneliness, but it may not offer the solution. Have you ever heard the expression “you can feel lonely in a crowd?” It is something we can all feel. Unfortunately it is one that is only too true and all too common at university. Here, surrounded by people of a similar age and, supposedly, with lots in common we can nevertheless feel terribly isolated and awkward. This is made worse by the sight of others who seem perfectly at ease, are rapidly making friends and are becoming part of groups from which we feel excluded or only tolerated on the margins.

It may feel as though you’re trapped in a cycle of loneliness where the more distress you feel about your social isolation, the more difficult it becomes to have the confidence to exercise those social skills needed to make friends.

If you feel lonely, how about you take some time now to get a feel for the reasons for your loneliness? Read these statements slowly and think about how many of them may apply to you right now:

• I feel alone and it’s not by my choice.
• I’m facing lots of changes in my life: new city, new form of study, new country, new home.
• I feel disconnected from the people around me.
• I’ve recently suffered a loss – the break-up of a relationship or the loss of a close friendship.
• Nobody really knows me here.
• Everyone else seems to have friends except me.

Identifying with one or even many of these statements is not right or wrong. It is your truth at this particular time of your life. However, sometimes it’s helpful to step back from some of these beliefs and ask ourselves: “Is it helpful or unhelpful for me to buy into these thoughts?”

Russ Harris is an Australian therapist who works in the field of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. This theory speaks to the fact that often it is the struggle that goes on within us with regards to our thoughts/feelings that causes us pain and suffering. Sometimes if we drop the struggle and accept our truth at this time then we can reduce our pain and suffering. This space then allows us to open up to new experiences and develop new ways of thinking and feeling about life.

If we think about this in relation to making connections, it may be that there is hardship or loss that you have experienced in relation to connections in the past. Or perhaps you have struggled with bullying or self-esteem. It could be that you feel far too busy, or boring, or unfit, or unattractive to feel prepared to connect with others. These statements may or may not be true, but do they help you right now? Do they help you see yourself as “friend material”? If the answer is no, then it might be time to think about dropping the struggle.

Video: The Struggle Switch (3 minutes)

To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first - Shakespeare

Look at each suggestion and, if you think it’s something you’re willing to try, then put a mental tick by that suggestion.

• Look for ways to get involved with people in the course of things you already do in your daily life. For example, can you eat where others are eating or find an online study partner?
• Put yourself in new situations where you will meet people, even in this time of social distancing there are still opportunities to meet people online or in a safe way.
• Look up events and activities where you might find people who share similar interests/values as yourself. For example, an environmental group, a music/art/sporting/cultural event.
• Do some volunteer work. Helping others will boost your self-esteem, increase social contacts and make you feel good about yourself.
• Some people are more at ease in groups, while others feel more comfortable in 'one to one' situations. Consider your own preferences and 'style'. Find others with similar outlooks and interests. Remember that, despite appearances, not everyone is interested in bars or sports.
• Intimate friendships usually develop gradually as people learn to share their inner feelings. Avoid rushing into intimate friendships by sharing too quickly or expecting that others will. Let the process develop naturally.
• Build upon your relationships by being a good friend to others: listen carefully, be responsive, show understanding and even challenge sometimes, if it feels appropriate. You may find that deepening a select few relationships can be more rewarding than pursuing many casual ones.
• Value all of your friendships and their unique characteristics rather than believing that only a romantic relationship will relieve your loneliness.

At the end, go back over those ticks and pick one to start. Don’t just scan your eye quickly over the list. Make a bargain with yourself to try to implement that particular suggestion within a specific, realistic time-frame.

For example:

“By the end of next week, I’m going to find out the name of that person who always sits by themselves and ask if they’d be interested in starting a study group with me.”

“I’m going to look into all the social clubs already here on campus by exploring the University's website and dropping into UNSA. Then I’m going to join the one that interests me most. I’ve got an essay due so I’ll give myself two weeks to do this.”

Friendship is not a straightforward process, and just because you try something once does not mean it will work. Everyone has their own stuff going on and sometimes not connecting is about the other person. Remember the secret is linking back to your values of making friends, and being prepared to try again or try in a different way to make that connection.

Video: ReachOut interview on Friendships (3 min)

Universities often provide A LOT of opportunities for social connection and making friends, with a great range of clubs, societies and other ways to get involved with like-minded others. And if you don’t see one there that looks like you, then you can even think about starting to set up your own club.

However there are also lots of other reasons why you might not want to join a club (or start one).

• Perhaps you are from overseas and you don’t know how to navigate cultural differences?
• Maybe you are studying online and so connecting with others seems hard?
• Perhaps you are an older student and you don’t feel like you fit in with other students?
• Maybe you are working a lot or managing family responsibilities or have another carer role and are just too time poor?

If any of these apply to you it may surprise you to know that many of the clubs at The University of Newcastle are relatively small, have online activities and info (like Facebook pages) and often hold activities out of “uni hours”. Often you do not need to be a student to join and so you can even ask someone from outside of uni to join with you and help you get started?

Remember: Loneliness is a common experience among university students that can be overcome. Don’t see yourself as a lonely person. No matter how bad you feel, loneliness will diminish or even disappear when you focus attention and energy on needs you can currently meet. Start doing things and good feelings will eventually catch up with you. Don’t wait around to feel better before you start doing things.

Making more social connections can help heal unhappiness in your university experience. Be honest about how you’re feeling. Are you ready to take a small step now?

If your honest response is that you want more support and you’d feel more confident if you talked over your thoughts with a counsellor, please follow up on the options below. They will help you to come up with a plan of action to increase your sense of social connection and belonging at University.

Apps:

• LoveSmart is for any relationship that matters and helps you understand and improve factors such as friendship, communication, conflict and sensitivity.
• Onlyhuman is designed to help you in your everyday life by sharing insights into the lives of others.
• Appreciate a Mate lets you create social media savvy quotes to share, and appreciate those in your life.

Online Resources:

• If you want to know more about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy then head to ACTmindfully.com.au for a heap of free resources.
• ReachOut has a great selection of videos and ideas about friendship, everything from what makes a good friend, tips for if you are lonely or ways to help you disconnect from a toxic friendship.
• If you feel like shyness or social anxiety is something you want to look into more, the Centre for Clinical Interventions has a great workbook and resources. If you decide to give it a go but find you want to talk through it with someone as well, then one of our counsellors can always give you a hand with navigating the content.

More Videos:

Video: TED talk - The Power of Vulnerability (20 min)

In this powerful video Brené Brown reflects on how human connection is built on our ability to empathize, belong, love.

Video: TED talk - How to Skip the Small Talk and Connect with Anyone (20 min)

This talk explains the power in taking the time to reflect on the questions that truly matter in life and how this shapes our connection to others in our life.

• University of Newcastle After-Hours Support Line – talk to a counsellor outside of office hours (5pm-9am Mon-Fri and 24hrs weekends and public holidays. Ph: 1300 653 007 or SMS: 0488 884 165
• See a Counsellor or Wellbeing Advisor – online counselling or face to face counselling available

UPDATED MARCH 2022

Contact: onlinecounselling@newcastle.edu.au