I was going to do a full recap of everything that's happened in life since my last post, but due to an unexpected and pretty crappy diagnosis of a brain tumour on Monday, I've decided to keep it shorter and sweeter than I planned. I'll get this bit over with, then it's done and I don't have to explain it any more.

At the beginning of May, a Wednesday I think, I was at work as normal at my job as a Post Office Counter Assistant. All was fine, I'd just had a walk down to see my mate Sid at his sign making unit down the road to pass the time on my lunch break - I couldn't be arsed to stand in the lockdown queue for the Co-op. I got back to my counter, served one person, then as the next customer approached the counter, I felt myself leaning off my chair to the right. I couldn't get myself upright properly and felt really dizzy and wobbly. Bloody hell, I thought, I'm having a stroke here, shit.

I apologised to the lady at the counter, saying I didn't feel well, and managed to fumble my way out of the strong door to attract my work colleague Julie's attention. All the time staggering sideways across the shop like a bewildered drunk. I can't really remember too much after that, apart from being helped onto my counter chair by the work lasses, Julie, Becky and Jess and a customer, Bev, then after a bit, managing to get back behind the counter and sitting on the floor clinging to a filing cabinet. I blindly rang Gary to come and get me, I was quite frightened by now, and as my eyes were all wonky and the side of my face felt cold. Bloody hell.

Gary arrived within minutes and took me down home, where he rang 111 for advice. They sent out paramedics, who were absolutely brilliant, and after a some tests and phone calls, I was given some aspirin and an appointment at the Stroke Unit at Durham University Hospital the next day.

So off we went, Gary and me. He of course wasn't allowed in with me due to Covid-19, but the whole thing didn't take too long. I had a CAT scan and ECG etc, and some similar walking and balance tests to the ones the paramedics had done. After a bit of a wait, the doctor came and told me I needed an MRI, which would be done as an out-patient appointment, as there was obviously some sort of problem at the back of my brain, but the CAT scan wasn't detailed enough to see exactly what it was. Then we went home. Time off work for Helen then.

A few days later, I was sat working at my desk at home drawing a cockerel to take my mind off things. I cleaned my glasses as they were filthy, or so I thought. But it wasn't my glasses, it was my eyes. Everything went grey and blurry, just like that, like trying to see through tracing paper. Fuck. I went in to Gary's room and told him. I felt sick with panic. So, 111 again, and ended up in A&E at Durham. While I was sat waiting, my eyes started to really hurt, a lot, and I couldn't see at all. It wasn't the best, being stuck there on my own, as Gary was forced to sit out in the car park again. After what seemed like an eternity, but actually wasn't, I saw a doctor, who after consulting with a colleague, diagnosed an eye infection and gave me a tube of antibiotic ointment. If it was no better tomorrow, ring the Eye Infirmary. Thank god. I was still in agony and couldn't see, but at least it wasn't a bloody stroke. After a day and a half of going round the house like an irate pit pony, unable to do anything and nowt to do for it except go to bed in a huff, it cleared up. It was ropey for a few days but it went away and now it's fine. Pure, weird coincidence.

Anyway, a couple of days after that, the date for my MRI came round. I went in the hospital and poor Gary sat outside once more. All no bother. Clanky scan and a dye injected etc. Just as I expected, and was in and out in no time really. All there was to do now was wait. I was feeling canny, so arranged to go back to work on the Tuesday of the following week, this week just gone.

This Monday I got the results through the post. The consultant had tried to ring but couldn't get through, so he'd written a letter. No stroke. Excellent! But, they had found a growth in the back of my brain. Obviously I felt sick to my stomach. The letter went on to say it was a 15mm Meningioma, and these were usually benign. OK, that's good news. Still very worrying, but good (ish). The letter went on to say that as I was having symptoms I'd been referred to the RVI, so I'd be hearing from them to see where things went next.

Tuesday morning came, and off I went for my first of three shifts in the Post Office. Champion, I thought, it'll be great to see everyone and get back to normal in a small way. I lasted less than an hour. The amount of quick head movements, refocusing my eyes from screen to cash drawer to customer, getting on and off my stool, twisting and turning to the post bags, all while doing sums and transactions in my head at the same time as making conversations with folks was just overload. My brain just couldn't cope. I went dizzy again, was staggering when I walked, felt sick, and my brain just wouldn't compute. I was devastated. It was one thing taking things at my own speed at home. It had lulled me into thinking I was ok to go to work, but I wasn't.

So, this week has been a bit of a roller coaster. Mentally I've felt angry, sad, angry, pissed off, stubborn, angry again, wound up and worn out. Poor Gary and Aaron. Physically I've felt fucked, confused, forgetful, dizzy, wobbly, achy in places I didn't expect, my eyesight is wonky as hell and I can't sit and look at my artwork or computer for very long without feeling like crap and needing a break. But I'm starting to get used to it and will have to get on with it. Nowt else for it. I've got a phone appointment with a Neurologist coming up (no in person meeting due to Covid) and then we will see.

I just wanted to get this out of my system as it's a big deal, but then get on with things. Luckily I've got loads of support from family, friends and work, and now I'm starting to get my head round it, I'll adjust to things having to be different. Not easy for a stubborn cow that doesn't like to sit still, but there you go. I'll just have to spend more time doing calm things, and at least I know why I feel weird. I'm still working on my art and writing, which I feel very lucky that I can do, and I've finally picked up my camera once again, although it did make me feel a bit wonky until I slowed down my movements (results below). I'm not gonna be beaten and it'll hopefully get fixed eventually, but I'm aware there may be surgery coming up that might take some getting over. Let's see what happens.

I've been doing quite a lot of writing over the last few months (not that you'd think it, judging by lack of posts on here!). Sometimes little stories, sometimes poems and songs. I've been trying to keep my brain amused by illustrating what I've written, and Gary has put music to some of the songs. It's been fun, and at times a good challenge. Gary has been writing some amazing stuff of his own, which I can't wait for you to see and hear once he's ready to make it public. We've also been working on a project together called The Weavings of the Black Wool. It's a bit of a weird one, but weird is fun! Here are some of the words I had written with their accompanying illustrations, as well as some photos and other bits and pieces. I'll do individual website pages with more info for the illustrations too. Hope you like them :)