Dear parents,
Their room looks the same. The spelling bee awards on the shelf, stuffed animals having tea parties on the bed, old costumes strewn across the floor from playing dress-up. You can’t bear to open the door, afraid that the only memories left of your child will escape the room, disappearing faster than they did. We see your fears but we would like to emphasize: there is only so much you can do to protect us. For the most part, this is out of your hands. It's not your fault.
Trauma from any tragedy is something that stays with you for a long time. It’s a scar that never fully fades – a wound that’s still vulnerable to bleeding. For parents of school shooting victims, not only do they suffer from the trauma of losing a child, but also from raw and cruel guilt. This guilt is all-consuming, a permanent resident in the minds of victims’ families.
Yes, you can vote on legislation for stricter gun laws. You can feed money into our schools so we can have metal detectors and security guards. You can teach us self-defense and emergency procedures. You can show us how to check in on our peers to ensure they are in a healthy mental state. But how far can this really go? You can do everything within your power, but at the end of the day, for so many people it wasn’t enough. And it’s the things you can't control, the things you can't blame yourself for, that put us at risk. It’s not your fault.
Nevertheless, your fears are still valid. Considering, just this year there have been 184 mass shootings in the United States, how can we expect you to feel comfortable sending your children to school in the morning? How can we be comfortable ourselves?
For the parents who did send their children to school and became victims of these fears, how can you cope with the void that comes with the loss of a child? Many of these parents may suffer from some form of survivor’s guilt following a school shooting. While everyone copes and grieves in different ways and on different timelines, it’s important to remember that everyone’s feelings are valid.
According to the Psychiatric Times, survivor’s guilt is “when individuals believe they have done something wrong in surviving a traumatic event in which others have perished.”
Symptoms of survivor’s guilt look different between individuals but commonly include feelings of unworthiness, confusion or hesitance about continuing to live, along with self-blame, isolation and avoidance. Many of these feelings are inevitable, but once again, we are here to remind you that the situation is not in your hands. It's not your fault.
For Nicole Hockley, it wasn’t her fault. She lost her six-year-old son Dylan in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in 2012. Over 10 years after losing her “butterfly,” her nickname for her energetic son, she is brought back to the tragedy with every mention of another mass shooting.
“The pain of losing a loved one does not dissipate with time. Nor does the trauma for those that survive. I am not alone in my pain,” Hockley said. “Each year, there are tens of thousands of families that join this club that no one wants to be a part of. The violence seems to never end.”
Nicole Hockley was just one of many parents that had to endure this suffering, and unfortunately, she will not be the last.
Whether you or someone you love was a victim of gun violence, whether you have a child or not, this affects you too. Everyone feels the strike in their hearts when they read the headlines; feels the pain that follows them for miles and years, spanning both distance and time. And when you feel this pain, remember you’re not alone in your pain, but your pain is yours. As hard as it is to hear, no amount of time, reassurance or empty words can make that pain disappear. It’s a harsh reality to live in a world where parents are planning their children’s funerals before they’ve even written their own wills. When it feels like you’re not doing enough, or like you could be doing more, just know that no matter what happens, it is not your fault.
Sincerely, Students
Image courtesy of Netflix