In what can only be described as dichotomy in motion, at least a third of all the puppies presented to Florida Tech students have been discovered to be evil.
As previously reported, campus administrative personnel had begun a policy of rewarding students with GPAs above 3.5 with free puppies. However, less than one month after distributing the pallets of puppies to the student body, the university became inundated with disturbing reports of the animals and their near boundless appetite for horror.
“We received something like two to three hundred calls one day,” said campus security dispatcher Cheryl Clermont. “It chills my heart to think about all the students who couldn’t reach out for help once the puppies knocked out the cell towers.”
Although authorities are still hard at work sifting through the viscera in search of answers, a story is beginning to take shape. The catalyst for this nightmarish event seems to be a single Siberian huskie named Raisin who, after tiring of her subservience and reliance on the students, lead a canine coup d’état.
“If only I’d taken her for that walk,” cried out Bowling Club President Dan Moose as EMTs fought to stem the bleeding. “No. I should have known that bitch was evil. We all should have known.”
Raisin, along with several of her litter mates, approached Harris Village under cover of night and waited for morning. Feigning an injury, a single puppy then lured dozens of students into the hall before Raisin signaled her pack to bar the stairwell doors and begin the ambush. Crime scene investigators suspect the students never even heard the horde as it approached on its little puppy paws.
The few students who escaped the horror describe a culling so reprehensible, so terrible, so thorough, that it would be irresponsible to put into print.
With the deed done, Raisin then led her gore-laden kin through the Florida Tech campus towards Babcock Street. Student or not, anyone unfortunate enough to be caught in the path of the mob was summarily eviscerated in a torrent of unending, sandpapery kisses.
As the legion approached the intersection, six unmarked white vans, also driven by puppies, suddenly arrived. Raisin and her entire troop then raised their hind-right legs in unison to mark their territory before entering the vans and leaving.
Police discovered the torched remains of the six vans near the Mexican border earlier this week. However, the current whereabouts of Raisin and her accomplices remain unknown.
Credits:
Created with an image by Dixi_ - "Siberian Husky puppy on white"