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Pinewood Science Department Confirms Earth is Flat, Warns About the “Wrath of Our Discoveries” By Anabelle Higgins - Staff Possessed Writer

Illustration by Niki Tara-Door-Dash - Staff Caterer

As of March 10, the Pinewood Science Department has made an astounding discovery: the Earth is actually flat.

“The facts say it all,” chemistry teacher Sarah Prestwood said. “Gravity is an illusion, there is no such thing as time, and the Earth is flat.”

Backed by real scientific evidence, this discovery has left faculty and students absolutely baffled. Many students believe that they have been brainwashed into believing otherwise, but are now seeing the truth. Others contemplate the possibility of other conspiracies behind these amazing new discoveries.

Freshman Josephine Tu has been an activist against the government and thinks that this new discovery will help prove her claim of underhanded and sneaky sketchery.

“I believe the Earth is actually a hoax made up by the government to try to extort out money,” Tu said. “The Pinewood science department has uncovered the truth behind their sketchy ideas.”

While some students side with the idea of a government conspiracy, others consider different theories relating to the state of the Earth.

“Our existence is just propaganda,” Freshman Selina Wang said. “We are fake news. Clickbait. Paid actors.”

Freshman Rose Xu questions their discovery through bold statements with underlying meanings that explore themes of life vs. death, war vs. peace, and the meaning of life.

“The Earth is flat?” Xu said. “I thought it was donut shaped.”

While the science department knows that some might reject their (scientifically proven) discoveries, they know that it is best for students to know the truth.

“Although we are still looking into the accuracy of these statements, we hope that everyone will accept the truth,” biology teacher Monica Ventrice said. “The Earth is undeniably flat.”

The science department stands with their discovery and seeks to fight anyone who would dare to go against their beliefs.

“No one can save you from the wrath of our discoveries,” Prestwood said.