Supporting a Mate QUEST

How to help a friend.

You’re worried about one of your friends and not sure they will want to talk with you. But if you’re having a hard time at Uni, who do you think you’re likely to talk to? Most students will open up to their friends, especially if that friend is also at Uni. After all, isn’t someone in a similar position most likely to understand? But sometimes it’s up to you to begin the conversation and knowing how to do this can be really tough.

Here are some ideas to help begin the conversation:

Before you think about approaching another person, you need to be sure that you’re in an okay headspace. This is really important. If you’re feeling a little fragile yourself or you don’t have the time or you’re too uncomfortable, ask someone else to check in with the person you’re concerned about.

Am I in the right head space?

The next question to ask yourself is whether you’re prepared for whatever response you’ll receive. You may just get a brush-off or someone may burst into tears. Have you thought about what you’ll do?

Am I prepared?

Lastly, you need to pick your moment thoughtfully. Don’t approach that person in a crowded room or when you have to dash to your next work shift or you know that they’re rushing off to the next tutorial.

Is now a good time and place to talk?

What to do next is neatly remembered by the acronym ALEC: Ask; Listen; Encourage action; Check in. Remember asking R U OK can happen on any day of the year!

Your tone of voice and body language are just as important as the words you choose so make sure you’re relaxed and unrushed. Perhaps think about what specific behaviours you’ve noticed that make you concerned: “You’re less chatty than usual so I just wondered how you’re going?” “It seems to me that you’re a bit low. How’s things?” Choose words that feel comfortable to you.

Try to ask some of those open-ended questions: the ones where the response can’t just be ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Open-ended questions encourage more detail but conversations where there are no closed questions at all feel very awkward. Do what’s right for you.

Video: How to ask R U OK? (1 minute)

It’s difficult to listen if you feel rushed – that’s why timing is so important. The Chinese character for “listen” doesn’t just include the ears!

Listening well is a skill and so it can be helpful to know some tips!

Video: 6 Tips for Active Listening (2 minutes)

Remember that it is not your job to solve your friend’s problems. If you can convey that you’re interested, available and that you care, you’ve already done a really good job! Try not to rush them or analyse their words. Check you’ve understood what they’ve said by summarising what they’ve said without making interpretations, assumptions or judgements. Stick with where they’re at and don’t put pressure on yourself to come up with solutions.

Sometimes the best way to support someone when they are suffering is to listen with empathy. This way of being supportive may feel fragile but it provides a strength through genuine connection.

Video: What is Empathy (3 minutes)

You’re listening to understand, not waiting to respond when there’s a break in the conversation!

Your job is not to come up with solutions; your job is to listen without judgement. Ask your friend directly: “How can I help you at this time?” “What has worked for you in the past?” “Can I help you find the right person to talk to?”

If necessary, encourage them to see their doctor or another health professional. There’s also a list of 24 hour free call numbers below. Sometimes it can take a while to see a professional and knowing that you’ll be around to help them find that right person is very reassuring.

Put a reminder in your phone to check in with them in a week or two. Say something like: “I’ve been wondering how you’ve been going and whether anything has changed.”

Students interviewed about their experiences of opening up share their thoughts about listening and how it has helped them feel supported. You might find that they raise some interesting topics to show how powerful it is when a friend shows concern! It is also good to hear how people have been impacted by someone asking R U OK?

If possible, don’t wait till there’s a crisis before asking if someone’s okay. Trust your gut instinct and if you believe that someone’s life is in danger, call 000. Don’t get caught into bargaining or negotiating with someone who is feeling suicidal. If your friend is asking for complete confidentiality before opening up – “I’ll tell you but you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone else” - be careful. Think about saying something like: “I don’t intend telling anyone but I want you to know that your life is more important to me than our friendship” or “I really care about you and I’d never want to lose your friendship. The bottom line is that your life is most important.”

There are many services that can support people, including you, if you need to have talk through what is going on. Besides the support available at UON (see the end of this module), the following 24 hour contacts may also be good to know;

• Life Threatening Emergencies 000
• Lifeline 13 11 14
• Mental Health Line 1800 011 511
• Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467
• Kids Helpline (for young people up to 25 yrs) 1800 55 1800
• Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 656 463
• Sexual Assault Helpline 1800 737 732
• Men’s Line Australia 1300 789 978
• Drug and Alcohol Helpline 1800 422 599

You must keep looking after yourself.

It takes time and energy to be a good friend. Think of yourself as a funnel. You need some really good stuff going in if you’re giving out the good stuff too!

It could be helpful to ask yourself:

• Am I feeling more depleted, drained or lacking in energy after every encounter with them?
• Have I stopped doing the things that I usually enjoy?
• Am I still keeping up with my other friends?
• Have I got enough support for myself?

Important: Ask yourself whether you could be providing your friend with just enough support to stop them from taking the step of seeking professional help.

Mix ‘n’ Match to find a sentence that suits you:

App

The Check-in App developed by Beyond Blue, is designed to support anyone wanting to support a friend but is concerned about saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse. The app takes you through four super easy and super quick steps, on how you can create a supportive environment for your friend.

Online Resources

• The Centre for Clinical Interventions has a great library of resources to support your friend no matter what they are facing.
• If you want some ideas on how to be more assertive when you are looking after friends you might want to check out this resource.
• The University's Counselling and Psychological Service tip sheet on supporting someone who has disclosed a sexual assault is a great guide to offering support and many of the things mentioned apply to a range of other situations.
• The R U OK website has a lot of really great resources that can help you support a mate

More Videos

William Ury explains how listening is the essential, and often overlooked, half of communication. His stories of candid conversations with presidents and business leaders provide us with impactful lessons, such as understanding the power of a human mind opening up. He asks us to join a listening revolution, and promises that if we all just listen a little bit more, we can transform any relationship.

Support is Available

• After-hours support line – talk to a counsellor outside of office hours (5pm-9am Mon-Fri and 24hrs weekends and public holidays. Ph: 1300 653 007 or SMS: 0488 884 165
• Chat to a wellbeing advisor or counsellor in Student Wellbeing (face to face and telehealth options available)

UPDATED MARCH 2022

Contact: onlinecounselling@newcastle.edu.au