One man, Peyton, tries to piece together the shards of his life as he battles to regain his identity through decades of missing memories. Due to the trauma of watching his Mother die in front of him when he was 20 years old, He must traverse his subconscious to find the memories of his Mother hidden deep within. He grapples with the separation from his longtime wife, his disintegrating relationships with his two teenage twin Sons, and the alcoholism, anxiety, and insomnia that plagues him. The ticking time bomb of his 45th birthday rapidly approaches, the same age his father quickly lost his mind to Alzheimer's, and the age his mother passed.
With his father now living in a Memory Care Home, he cleans out his childhood attic, hidden inside he finds boxes filled with endless composition journals. Each page is filled with letters to Peyton from his Mother. With the help of these journals and his therapist, each letter brings Peyton closer to recalling his memories and finally learning who his Mother truly was and how she died that day. Helping Peyton to regain his life and face the trauma and pain he's long shut out.
Will a Mother's LOVE be enough to save her son long after she has passed away?
One man, Peyton, tries to piece together the shards of his life as he battles to regain his identity through decades of missing memories. Due to the trauma of watching his Mother die in front of him when he was 20 years old, he can not recall a single memory of Dale, not even her face. He must traverse his subconscious to find the memories of his Mother hidden deep within. He grapples with the separation from his longtime wife, his disintegrating relationships with his two teenage twin Sons, and his alcoholism. The ticking time bomb of his 45th birthday rapidly approaches, the same age his father quickly lost his mind to Alzheimer's, leaving Peyton with both of his parents snatched from his life suddenly.
With his father now living in a Memory Care Home, he cleans out his childhood house where he currently lives before its foreclosure. Hidden in the attic, he finds boxes addressed to Peyton in his Mother's handwriting. Inside the boxes are endless composition journals. Each page is filled with letters to Peyton from his Mother, her deepest fears and thoughts on life, and her favorite memories of their family. Giving Peyton a glimpse into his parents and who they were long before the tragedies of life tore them apart.
His Mother, Dale, battled postpartum depression when Peyton was born and nearly took her own life when he was one year old. Grappling with the guilt of leaving only one letter behind to her son, His Mother dedicated her life and the rest of her writing career to these letters to Peyton, making HIM Dale's greatest life's work.
With the help of these journals and his therapist, each letter brings Peyton closer to recalling his memories and finally learning who his Mother truly was and how she died that day. Helping Peyton to regain his life and face the trauma and pain he's long shut out.
Will the letters be enough to save his life from the spiral of self-sabotage, alcoholism, and insomnia that consumes him? Can he face his demons, save his own life and marriage, and finally face the looming Alzheimer's brain scan he has been avoiding before his 45th birthday? Will a Mother's LOVE be enough to save her son long after she has passed away? It all begins with...
Many of us come from trauma; if you do, you know about memory loss. There are large chunks of my life I can't remember. Due to pain, yes, I understand. But even happy memories, how does that make sense? Our mind, body, and subconscious will do anything to keep you "safe." It takes what it must; once we get strong enough, many of us lurk in the darkness inside and brave these memories to feel freedom on the other side. Peace.
That is Peyton's journey, not far from my own. I endured trauma and nearly ended my life when I was 23; I stand here living a second chance. I can't even imagine if I never got to live this next chapter of life, the best of my soul's existence! Something extraordinary happened; it changed my entire world. It changed me on a molecular level. I had my son, Zatch Robert Crocker.
I am not great at baby books or doing cute things like all those perfect Instagram mothers, with photos each month in adorable outfits and detailed baby books. I knew I'd never remember to keep it up, and one day I'd be angry with myself for not keeping a better record of his life and our life. So I wrote my Son letters. I'd tell him what he was doing, milestones, and what we were doing together as a family. If life was smooth or bumpy, I'd write him of my love for him, lessons I hoped I'd get to teach him one day. The truth about his loving mother and her sometimes struggles with depression. Thus birthed, many years later, the idea of a film one day about this journey--
Our love letter to...
If you have a parent, or if you are a parent— this film is for you. This film is for you if you love your parent or if you hate your parent. It's about our complex and messy relationships with our children and family. Watch them battle with their trauma as we do ours, and find hope, no matter how dark the circumstances. It is an authentic break in reality for the audience; to live in another person's skin for a moment. I, too, know what it is to feel alone, using every drug and drink possible to numb the echoing emptiness I had inside—the brokenness of feeling utterly separate from my parents and unloved if I am honest.
These journals became a tangible way every day that I would ensure my son would never feel that way. I wrote to him in case I ever wasn't there; maybe in the future, he was grown and feeling lonely across the world. My beating heart on the page wrote to ensure I was never far from him in spirit. Then, that heart jumped off the page and into Final Draft, and thus that bleeding heart continued. This story was written in 7 days, channeling love and collaboration with the muse.
My vision is simple, defy all reality and make them LIVE this film. I want them to feel crushed; I want them to laugh; I want tears of joy. Dear Son has every range of emotion, and it's stimulating as a cinema-goer trying to figure out what will happen next. I remember exactly where I was when I saw "The Sixth Sense" and how it rocked me to my core. No film had ever tricked me like that. I'm the woman who knows the ending of every movie I ever start within a few minutes of pushing play. HOW THE FUCK DID IT GET ME? I love, love, love that feeling.
I also remember when I watched "Requiem For A Dream and Black Swan." It was an experience unlike I'd ever felt before. It stimulated the same senses in my body of ANXIETY that they were experiencing. It was gritty and uncomfortable; I crawled out of my skin and felt engrossed . It was sexy and scary, and I fucking liked it. With these ghostly overheads and an editing style, I'd never seen before. It was better than sex. I was hooked.
But then, there was an experience, like-- "Café De Flore" that made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe; it made me depressed for a week. It emotionally rocked me to my very being. It made me question my own life.
THAT is what I want to do with this film. That is what I will create with D e a r S o n. It will make the audience feel every fucking emotion of their natural life. It will be beautiful, it will be overwhelming, and it will leave them feeling new!
E s s e n c e:
"Black Swan, Shutter Island, Requiem For A Dream, Memento, The Machinist."
D e a r S o n, is universal. LOVE IS UNIVERSAL. F E A R as a parent, as a child, the feeling of inadequacy. Addiction. Numbing. Hiding. Co-dependency. Healing. Growth. Second Chances. HOPE. Peace. LOVE. Regret, forgiveness, REDEMPTION.
D e a r S o n, is a wild ride, a whirlwind of LIFE, packed into a two hours (ish)
C i n e m a t i c E x p e r i e n c e.
D e a r S o n defies reality; it fills you with hope and makes you believe YOU TOO CAN BEGIN AGAIN!! This film is for you, no matter who YOU are. I will make this film for you and my Son Zatch.
We will make a film that moves people and sticks with them long after they leave the theatre. While raising awareness, shattering a stigma, and continuing to make films about mental health and suicide prevention. I want to shine a light on Addiction, Trauma, and Alzheimer's! A disease that terrifies every human on this planet! I want to make a film with meaning and a message, raise funds for charity, and inspire us all to live another day.
It is...
If you don't have kids, I can't explain the love a parent feels for their child; no words describe the overwhelming, crippling LOVE a parent has for their child. Your nieces and nephews are close but don't compare because you drop them off when you're done with the fun hang. Your dog, while adorable, and how completely in love with our dogs we are, does not come close to breathing life into a living being, fighting tooth and nail to watch them grow into adult human beings. Did we do well enough? Are they happy, truly fucking happy? Give money from your account, a shirt off your back, hours of sleep, youth from your skin, and elasticity from your tits. NOTHING COMPARES.
Except for our connection to our parents, these indescribable bonds connect us. Somehow permanently attached and deeply engrained within us, Mother. Father. We always worry. They always worry.
Husband. Wife. History. Someone who knows your dirty habits and your stinky feet. The person who frustrates you most the person you can't live without. Mom and Dad. You created a life together. Whether you are married or not, you're connected through this living being you created together; you both would die for your child without a second thought. You can't explain that connection; you have to live it. And sometimes, we want to see the couple make it!! I desperately need Terry and Peyton to make it!! I want love to prevail in this film.
D e a r S o n is about love, and my only mission is to see if CAPTURING IT IS POSSIBLE. A Parent's love, a child's love, a wife, a husband; Complex, rich, deeply unsettling, terrifying, deep resentments, blood connections— LOVE! Can we show that intangible love? Can we give sound to that feeling our mouths can't put words to? HUMANITY! CONNECTION. LOVE.
Have you ever been encased in darkness? You can't feel or think, and the air feels hard to pull through your lungs. With such a deepening depression, the only choice left feels imminent. A suffocating shame cycle, no idea how to fix the damage anymore? A never-ending loop of numbing. Peyton is still trying to figure out where to go; he is still determining where the last 24 years went. But then, theirs light. Something that could be defined no other way than God sent a raft to bring you out of the never ending storm. That is, these CRIMSON JOURNALS for Peyton. He needed his Mother's burst of light, inhale, love, and strength to get him back on his feet and into the ring. He's not lost this fight yet.
I see DARK, shadowed, natural lighting. I see Peyton alone in this faded, muted, GRITTY world. A high CONTRAST world. Wide and distant, DOLLY, stoic world. A Voyeur, watching someone's descent.
"Black Swan, The Machinist, Requiem For a Dream, Mr. Robot, Memento, The Sixth Sense."
Phycological breaks, distortion, fractures in reality-- due to insomnia and lack of sleep, mixed with a cocktail of Ambien and alcohol. Peyton is a ticking time bomb headed toward his demise. But then, there was light.
DALE BURSTS into his life through those journals and breathes life into her Son. Her words help him find his way back to who he is, to see the light in his life. With it, our whole world changes. WE COME TO LIFE AGAIN; we're on the move, HANDHELD// STEADI, continually moving. SUN FLARES, SUNSET, and COLOR EVERYWHERE. The FLASHBACKS are like the air in our lungs, the breath we've been so desperately clutching for!
"Tree Of Life, Blue Valentine, Knight Of Cups."
Complex, Psychological, and Suspenseful.
CAMERA MOVEMENT // TRANSITIONS: I will use many camera movement forms to transition us from the present day to memory or nightmare. The movement and angles in this film will all be based on camera psychology. How can we deeply affect our audience, make them feel what Peyton is feeling, and how can we simulate the same anxiety and panic he is feeling? When Peyton has his hand on the bathroom door handle, panic on his face, and his hand trembles on the doorknob. We go from his face as he opens the door, and CAMERA will swing over the door on the set we've built, and as it circles around and lands in the same open-door path, twenty-year-old Peyton will be standing there instead. I want to use movement like this to transition us to another time. Maybe adult Peyton is spiraling; his mind spins with panic and chaos, so the camera circles around him, and when we circle behind his head, this time, it's young Peyton in his place. The transitions will be seamless and add to the discomfort and thrill while also amazing the audience how we just pulled off that transition, leaving them wondering where the cut they just missed was. Rapid match cuts much like "Everything Everywhere All At Once" of all his ages flashing past, all stuck at that same bathroom door longing for their Mother.
CINEMATOGRAPHY: We all know what an elevated cinematographer can bring to a film, but there is a particular style I have always dreamt of for this film and a level of precision. Haunting OVER HEADS, Claustrophobic close-ups, snorricam, movement, and chaos, then stoic tension. The shadowed and gritty world I will create, the sets. Like when the floor becomes a ramp, sliding Peyton towards his haunted, faceless Mother's ghost. The camera at the top is looking down on him, like at the high height of a seesaw!! And then sliding with him on a wire, staying close to him as he FALLS into the abyss below. Rain pours down because water is the metaphor for his grief, trauma, and loss due to the way he lost his Mother. I will find the creative partner to help elevate the imagery, effects, and vision to the next level.
SET BUILDS // PRODUCTION DESIGN // EASTER EGGS: When you read the script, you can see many of the incredible sets that will be built for these scenes and moments. For example, when Peyton passes out in the living room, water pours from the ceiling, submerging the room. Peyton swims through to find air, pushing floating furniture out of the way. He gets to the hall and tries the doors; nearly out of air, he opens the bathroom door. FINALLY, air hits his lungs and the hall, and he falls to the floor. We must build the set in a water tank to flood the rooms.
Or the hall where he is too drunk to walk and falls to the floor, rain pouring down inside; the floor becomes like a ramp, and he holds on to the walls with all his strength before sliding down towards the faceless ghost of his Mother. This requires a build to make the floor lift like a seesaw to put the camera on the high end and on a wire to slide with Peyton.
The bathroom door where the camera swings over the door jam and lands on young Peyton. Many of these moments will require builds and planning to create these high-impact and poignant scenes. But I want to bring other ideas to your attention, like the easter eggs I will hide throughout the film, waiting for the audience to unearth. If you have read the script, we have a big hidden reveal: someone we grew to love as a character we learn was not who we thought she was. A secret we hold until the end, we must keep our cards close to our chest for this reveal to work. But sprinkle breadcrumbs along the path for audience members to notice upon watching for their second and third time, hidden gems that just some audience will grasp on their first watch.
For example, Dr. Brenner's Office, where Peyton attends therapy, will be the SAME OFFICE that belonged to Dale at the house that Peyton often visits in his childhood home. Set decoration will hide this: different paint on the walls and other angles will hide this fact, so you never recognize the office. Through intricate planning by my team and I, we will lay down clues but keep the reveals hidden, much like many of my favorite movies, "The Sixth Sense or Fight Club." This is just one example I have been planning for easter eggs. Imagine once my team and I work together to hide clues. This is the fun part of the collaboration; by hiring crew and creators that I trust, together, we will go on the ride to make this film as impactful as we can.
PTSD // PANIC // ANXIETY: I have already touched on camera psychology and how I plan to get the audience on the ride. Still, I felt like I needed to dive a step deeper to explain the intricate ways we will use Peyton's PTSD, insomnia spells, panic attacks, and anxiety as a device to make our audience feel the tense pressure our characters are under. Rapid editing, camera angles getting closer and closer to the actor's face, sound rising and soaring to blaring heights. I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my childhood, and I have lived with memory loss, panic attacks, and anxiety, which has helped me to realize epic ways to simulate that feeling. How tiny details, feet tapping, heart quickening, breath and chest moving at a rapid pace, or breath held in our chest with NO relief until finally, he escapes his panic and WOOSH, there comes the in breath. Again, snorricam, ECUs, rapid cuts, tiny details, pupil dilating, the sound of his heart speeding up. This film reads as a drama and psychological thriller. But it will be much more thriller than classic drama. The relationships and subjects are drama, but the tension I plan to create in seemingly ordinary scenes will make this film much more like, "Black Swan or Requiem For A Dream."
F l a s h b a c k s // D r e a m S t a t e s
My preferred name is "psychological breaks." It is their mind wandering into past memories and trauma that they've long shut out. It's the festering memory of shame you try never to think about. We all have that one thing we try never to think about that eventually creeps in during moments of weakness. It's the most gruesome sight you've ever seen that makes you nauseated to remember. They're flashes, spliced images we try to forget. Some flashes are longer than others. Some memories are less fragmented. I plan to make them feel like they're going inside Peyton's mind, often pushing TIGHT on his eyes and pulling out on the eyes of Young Peyton. Due to Peyton's insomnia and constant Ambien/ Alcohol use, he is trapped between the waking hours of consciousness and a nightmare state of repressed memories. A hearty cocktail of drugs and alcohol keeps the memories at bay until one too many drinks UNLEASHES it all, the NIGHTMARES that haunt him.
A perfect example of a film that executed this effectively is "I Am Legend," another one of my favorites, "Little Fish." Every time Will Smith slept or got knocked out, we learned more about his past and what happened to his family and the world. I want us to be in the present with Peyton while also seeing what formed him from his past. Sometimes it may feel like chaos. Sometimes you might feel like you're floating in the past and the present, but so is Peyton as he regains his memories through these letters from his mother.
E d i t i n g
I plan to design my own style with Peyton's drug use, incorporating the flashbacks in conjunction with our camera moves. Everything will be intentional and undoubtedly anchor the audience to ride with us. Like the film is breathing, the camera will constantly be sliding and moving with Peyton's movements, so it feels like we are always in motion ON THE JOURNEY with Peyton. Long dolly glides across the room, tracking his movement, then PAN or TILT to finish the move when we run out of track. Always in action, always momentum, the mystery unfolding. Or stoic shots, we wish we could move from, but we're stuck there. We will feel everything that Peyton feels.
I want to layer images to tell two stories simultaneously, being told through their imagery in the same moments. An example of dissolves and cinematography I love is "Apocalypse Now." I will frame them perfectly so both images can be seen simultaneously, the juxtaposition between past and present. In some moments, the man Peyton is and the young man he once was. With every FLASH or BREAK, we discover more and more of the story. A movie that inspires me in their investigative look at memory, trauma, and mental health is "The Machinist" and "Memento."
I want sun-soaked imagery, crystals sending rainbows on the walls. Rays of light shoot through a glass window. I want to show that the world is a beautiful place; our perspective makes it dark. Heavy shadows, bright highlights, and the sun breaks up the darkness. Sun makes what it touches gorgeous. Peyton is hiding in the shadows. But that CANNOT STOP GOD'S LIGHT. So the rays of light burst through the shadows, and haze makes the air feel dense. The sun and all the beauty bring attention and highlight the darkness around it.
I see the world and the film draped in cyan. I will let Jill Bogdanowicz, my amazing colorist magic, thrive and amplify the cyan and teal tones, leaning into the Depressive. Yet LIGHT keeps trying to find its way in! I want STUNNING SUN-SOAKED IMAGERY fighting against PEYTON'S BLUE and SAD PERSPECTIVE in an East Coast bare environment. The essence of "Prisoners" aesthetic, with "Drive" coloring. As Peyton gains health and emerges from the darkness, SO WILL OUR IMAGERY. Living more in the beautiful natural tones, similar to "Her." Dale's warm and saturated color from the flashbacks starts bleeding into reality, and he's regaining his life!
Beauty is everywhere! It's all through our perspective, what we see, and how we receive it. If you are blue, it may look blue. However, the beauty is always there. It takes a change of perspective. Peyton is constantly contradicting himself, so the imagery does too. It all depends on HOW YOU SEE IT. For most of the film, Peyton sees the world from a dark perspective, trying to cut out the light while embracing the shadows he hides inside. The gold and SODIUM artificial light in the darkness adds style and contrast. But Peyton is completely missing the beauty until it smacks him in the face. He then emerges with a perspective change. Peyton is a family man, yet he lives an isolated life. Once again, he contradicts himself. Peyton's emotions will reflect our imagery; if he is blue, we are DEEP BLUE, NAVY, TEALS, CYAN. With POPS of RED. CRIMSON JOURNALS, SCARLET RED CURLS, RED STUDY DOOR.
I want the PAST and the PRESENT to feel completely different. So I want the flashbacks to be shot on film, with rich, textured imagery: grain and beauty. The present will be shot digitally. All colored by Jill.
Making both the past and the present have the same beauty, richness, and texture. Along with different aesthetics bleeding in from the flashbacks, we reach our ending, and the beautiful texture richness is coming into Peyton's reality now. One year later, the ending images will be on FILM as well.
PANIC ATTACKS// ANXIETY I want to use camera moves to emulate the anxiety inside Peyton's mind. I want to GROW and EXPAND on these techniques to make the audience feel Peyton's same discomfort and crippling fear.
Ambien Nightmares// Phycological Breaks I want to show this distorted reality in a new and interesting way. Reality is FRACTURING, and now Peyton is swimming through the house with no air in sight. Water pours from the ceiling, the room submerged in WATER. His younger self stands in the bathroom. His perspective changes into his younger self. HE SHUTES HIS EYE'S and tries to find his way back to reality! But instead, we go further into his mind, and memories are unleashed. He now stands in the past and finally sees what Young Peyton saw and experienced when he found his mother.
Shutter Island's WATER, BLOOD, and ASH are so interesting and unique to this shot and story; it's my favorite moment from the film. This is the best example of reality fracturing and something abstract happening, with so much symbolism. Blood on her hands from the death of her children, her being shot so literal blood from her body, the water flowing that drowned their children. The ash from the lie about her death that he tells himself to endure the pain. Because of Peyton's insomnia and drug use, the lines have blurred between reality, memories, and dreams. We're floating somewhere in between.