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Are you supporting a child with a parent in prison? A Spurgeons Guide

Supporting a child with a parent in prison might be something you never thought you would have to do. The situation may be complicated and you may be navigating the criminal justice system for the first time.

But when a child's parent goes to prison, it’s important to talk to the child about what’s happening. They might be confused, sense something is wrong, or they might even have found out already some other way.

At Spurgeons we have worked with prisoners' families for years.

We are sharing our advice here with a series of animations for you to watch and discuss.

We hope these resources help you have those necessary conversations about how best to support families and to listen to children in your care. Feel free to jump through to the stage the child you are looking after is in, or watch from beginning to end.

Each animation focusses on a different stage a family might experience when a parent is given a custodial sentence. We have also offered a toolkit of suggestions for next steps.

We understand every family's experience will be different, and it is certainly never the case that one size will fit all. We hope using these animations to prompt conversations with a child in your care will support you to take a child-led approach.

The Arrest

If the police have reasonable grounds to suspect a person has been involved in a crime, they can arrest. The police have powers to arrest anywhere and at any time, including on the street, at home or at work.

310,000 children in the UK have a parent in prison.

For many children their experience of their parent's arrest will be simply that the parent is suddenly absent. For other children they may have watched their parent being escorted away by the police.

As part of the police arrest procedure the arresting officer has to say what the crime is, explain that it is necessary to arrest you and that you are not free to leave. A child whose parent has been arrested will need reassurances and age appropriate explanations to help them make sense of what has happened.

Below is a short animation. Watch through to the end to see different ways a parent can respond to the trauma of a child witnessing their parents arrest.

Top tips to help support a child

  1. Talk to them as soon as possible. They may already know or suspect something is wrong. It’s better that they hear it from you than someone unconnected with you.
  2. Explain where their parent is and why. Use language they will understand. Do not give them too much information in one go and be prepared to explain it more than once.
  3. Reassure them. Let them know they can ask questions and it’s OK to talk about it. Let them know they are not to blame – children often think they are. Reassure them their parent is safe and that they’ll be able to talk to or see them.

Where can I go for more help?

On Bail

Being on police bail means you are released from custody. This can be either pre-charge, released under investigation or with a charge awaiting the first court hearing. Bail conditions will be imposed and might limit who a parent can see, where they can live and where they can go.

This might be an anxious time for families. They may not have shared their situation with loved ones, or with their local community or schools.

If you are caring for a child in this situation, this is a time for reassurance and honesty. It is normally best to let their teachers and key family friends know (confidentially).

Below is a short animation. Watch through to the end to see different ways a parent can respond to the impact having a parent on bail can have on a child.

Top Tips to help support a child

  1. Listen to them. But don’t force them to talk if they don’t want to. Just reassure them that you are there for them.
  2. Offer them someone else to talk to. Sometimes they might prefer to speak to a relative, friend or teacher rather than you. Let them know this is ok and who they can speak to.
  3. Share your own feelings. Talk to them, in an age appropriate way, about how you’re feeling. Let them know that it’s ok to feel different emotions.

Where can I go for more help?

On Remand

If the court decides to put a parent on remand, it means they'll go to prison until their trial begins.

10,000 children visit a parent in prison every week and for many families their first visits will be while a prisoner is on remand.

This can be a time of uncertainty. As the prisoner hasn't been sentenced, families won't know when a parent will be coming home, whether they should be planning for months of absence or years.

There are many victims of crime. This includes the families of offenders. They can feel judged even though they are innocent of any crime.

How will your child stay in touch with their other parent?

In most circumstances, and where the family want to, children can write, call or visit. Knowing they can see or speak to their parent will reassure them and help them keep a good relationship with them.

Keeping in touch works both ways. Keep the parent in prison updated on what’s happening. Tell them about events at school, and share the everyday details. It is these moments that help keep a family connected.

Below is a short animation. Watch through to the end to see different ways a parent should share legal information with a child who has a parent on remand.

Top Tips to help support a child

  1. If you are planning a prison visit for your child, you might want to go on your own first. Every prison runs visits differently and by visiting first alone you'll know how to prepare.
  2. Take some time to tell your child what prison is like. They might have only seen it on American TV or in cartoons. I
  3. When they see their parent, let them have time to talk. Reassure them they can stay in touch by letter or phone until the next visit too.

Where can I go for more help?

During the Sentence

When found guilty a child's parent will be given a sentence. Many families find it hard to let people know this is happening.

If the local or national press are involved this can lead to further immense pressure and distress for all families involved.

During this time a family can feel a wide range of emotions. All of those feelings are normal, just take the time to ask questions and listen to responses.

How to tell your child their parent is in prison?

After receiving a sentence can be the first time a family has needed to fully explain where their parent is and why.

When you decide to tell them, wait and chose a calm moment.

When you explain, use language they will understand and that is appropriate for their age.

Do not give them too much information in one go. Let them take in what you’ve said and be prepared to explain it more than once...

...and offer them someone else to talk to. Sometimes they might prefer to speak to a relative, friend or teacher rather than you. Let them know this is ok and who they can speak to.

Below is a short animation. In the story the parent is on the school run and is feeling uncomfortable and awkward, aware that other parents know about their partner's imprisonment. To their child it just feels as though he is angry. Watch through to the end to see how important it is to share your feelings with your child, and let them know it is ok to feel all sorts of different emotions.

How will my child react?

Every child will react differently.

However, be prepared for unusual behaviour from your child. They might behave differently – they could be upset, angry, very quiet or not want to talk.

Treat each child individually. If there are a number of children in the family, each one may react differently. Think about how they are individually affected and give those who need it extra support

Below is a second short animation. In the story initially the parent hasn't told the child's school that a parent is serving a prison sentence. Watch through to the end to see different ways schools can offer support to a child with an incarcerated parent.

Top Tips to help support a child

  1. Talk. Tell key people in your child's life what is happening.
  2. Expect changes to your child's behaviour. Comfort them and talk to them about how they're feeling.
  3. Be open to the idea of finding counselling for a child with a parent in prison.

Where can I go for more help?

After Prison

This can be the hardest point for families. Having managed alone, without the other parent, having them come home can be a new strain on an already stressed relationship.

Will the other parent be coming home to the family home? Will they be living somewhere else?

How might my child be feeling?

For some children, a parent's return can feel exciting. For other children, the idea of a parent returning can leave them feeling a fresh wave of anger and resentment. Many children will experience all these feelings, at different times.

A parent coming home is a fresh upset, and this new change will impact children in a prisoner's family home. It is an important moment to take even more time to listen to children.

Below is a short animation, where a parent returns home after a custodial sentence. Watch through to the end to see the importance of taking things slowly and expecting things to have changed.

Top Tips to help support a child

  1. Give them plenty of opportunities to talk and ask you questions. Really take this time to listen to them.
  2. Don’t paint the other parent as a bad person. Parents form an important part of every child's identity. If it is possible, and safe try to support a good relationship with their parent.
  3. Go at your child's pace. Having a parent coming home from time in prison is a big change and although their is a lot of anticipation and expectation taking it slowly is the best option.

Where can I go for more help?

If you have enjoyed using the above guide would you please complete the feedback form available here:

Spurgeons offers professionals working with children training on the impact of prison on families. If you think your school or community group would find this helpful please find more information here:

This guide was made possible thanks to the support of The Kent and Medway Violence Reduction Unit.

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