A Day After A day without Lataji

I still am not able to process that Lataji is no more.

Having never met her, still strangely, I always felt secure in knowing she is there, she is around, and she is living in same city as I - and, reading her tweets and FB messages, there was a connection. I have been largely numb these past two days, going about my chores mechanically.

For me Lataji was not just another singer who sang well, she is the entire reason for my loving music. I would have ended up being a casual listener, had I not heard Lataji singing, right from childhood. She gave me the impetus to find out who is composing, who is writing, what are the various styles of each music director, and more. All of which I am using when I making songs now on my own.

That is why I could never 'analyse' her songs, like many music aficionados in several groups do. For me she sang, and that was enough, and more! I got into several debates and fights initially on these groups, but at a later stage, I left them- realising that my love for Lataji's singing is way beyond that of a fan to an artiste.

I understand every one has to depart one day, and she lived a full wholesome life, yet however much you are prepared for such a day, it always hits you hard - like a punch on the solar plexus. For me, this was the third time, in almost as many years!

Strangely, I have not been able to bring myself to hear her songs, after she left. I do not have to have a specific day to pay her a tribute, because I listen to her songs practically every day anyway. But, these two days I just could not bring myself to listen, there is that deep insecure fear, that the one who is singing, whom I thought had a protective covering over me, is alas, now no more. This anxiousness, this sorrow, this emptiness, this end-of-the-world feeling, I have been through it twice earlier. And I would end up listening to more music, more of her songs for comfort. But this time, she herself has left us…who will give me that comfort? I am sure, once I start hearing her songs, this dam will break & a flood of emotions will ensue. I cannot live without her voice..that voice…the golden voice, & her impeccable singing … that can instill confidence, that can provide solace, that can make me feel loved, that can make me feel alive.

Lataji... you live on, within me!