Becoming Your Own Adult A guide to conversations at home

Some transitions in life are immediate. Most transitions develop through a lifetime.

And so it is with our family relationships as we each grow and move from one stage of life into another. (For a summary look at the six stages of life, check out this article "Family Relationships Develop Through a Lifetime.") Read on for encouragement on how to develop more of your own self-autonomy while still remembering and honoring your family for who they have been (for you as a child) and who they are/will be for you as an adult.

• James 1:5 tells us to ask! Ask for wisdom. God gives it fully and freely without any criticism.
• Ask him for the words to speak and His love and grace to be evident in your behavior as you interact with your family members.

Check for Chinks in Your Armor (where are you vulnerable?)

• Ephesians 6 is a powerful chapter about our Spiritual Armor. It is armor that is yours, every believer's, in the Spirit of God. What footpaths of identity and worth (the self-talk in your head) have created chinks in your armor? Check your inventory. Give them to Jesus and allow His truth to rebuild, renew, and fortify your armor.
• As you take time to identify the vulnerabilities in your armor, ask the Lord to help you see the vulnerabilities in your parents' armor and how the answers to the Three Questions have possibly created the chink in their armor. Be compassionate to them especially in these areas.
• You've prayed for your family and parents before. Keep doing it. Give them to the Lord.
• Romans 12:2 tells us to renew our minds, because frankly, there are varied distractions on a minute-by-minute basis that the devil would use to dissuade you from God's truth, discourage you from believing God's faithfulness to equip you and work through you (Heb. 13:21), and to steal your joy (1 Pet. 5:8).
• Take captive every thought (2 Cor. 10:5).

Blessed

Chosen

Adopted

Redeemed

Forgiven

Promised

Read Paul's letter to the Church at Ephesus ~Ephesians 1:3-14

Choose Before You Speak

• How you interact with others, what you say, and how you say it, will answer the hearer's questions about identity and worth (read the article about Family Relationships and the three questions)
• Choose an attitude of kindness, resolute and gracious kindness.

As adults, we often disagree. With the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-26) within us, in God's strength and grace, we disagree respectfully. Aim for honor. Don't be offensive in ways that shred a person's identity or value. We are meant to lift one another up, to give encouragement, and to point to the hope that life with Jesus really, truly, is a life filled more abundantly (Eph. 3:20 and John 10:10).

Practice it, Live it, Breathe it, Believe it

If your relationships at home feel bumpy and strained, a good rule of conversation is to lean into it in order to understand them more. How? When a comment is made or a directive is given, instead of arguing or defending, try changing your tactic to reply with something like... "I hear that you have ideas and ways to do it best. Tell me why this particular way matters to you. What do you see that is at stake?" or something like, "I hear you. For all of what you said, what is one thing that is most important that I can pray for?" Praying for the Lord's wisdom before you talk together will help you know how to speak into your family's dynamics.

Be ready to listen. Their answer may inform you in ways you didn't expect; you might find that their core value is something that you can agree with and can affirm them as you speak together.

May you and your family be blessed and grow in your relationships. May you develop them into better and more amazing relationships than you've had before.

Reading

Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen is a light-read. It's worth the read!