Family Relationships A look at God's design to understand how

Let's check the roster, so to speak, in our family at-large: Parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, guardians, young adults (students at college).

Basically, all of us in a student's support system could benefit from a conversation about family dynamics, kids becoming adults, and what it looks like to talk and relate to each other differently, and maybe even better, now that our student is at their home away from home.

Parents, grandparents, siblings, guardians...

Your students are away from home to attend college. You want to talk and know how they are doing, but when you ask, you get one word replies, or something else that you wonder if you've just been brushed off. You feel invisible and not needed. (Read on and find a resource below that will give you encouragement and some tips for moving forward!)

Students...

Your "people" at home regularly text or call you through the day and night. They generally start with "what" and "how." The questions, they defend, are about staying connected and knowing you are okay. What you hear in their questions though is an underlying lack of confidence in your ability to venture out, to think, to make decisions, or to succeed. (Read on and you will also find a resource below that will give you encouragement on how to transition with honor!)

Have you wondered together, or even asked aloud, how to talk to each other, but not in a way that frustrates each other? Your relationships can grow and develop into being a blessing to one another, and into something more amazing than the former parent-to-child interactions you've had up to this point.

God says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

You just need a tip or two on how to get there. You need some wisdom!

God's Word gives us 28 verses in the NIV that link wisdom and knowledge together. There are 27 in ESV; 32 in KJV. With those verses in mind, let's put knowledge (the truth and order discovered in God's design, specifically his creation and creatures) together with His wisdom (Scripture). The effort will help instruct us on how to transition from parent-to-child directives and move our families towards adult-to-adult relationships with honor.

Through the observation of God's people, let's look together at what makes a person, well, a person!

Some definitions to begin...

The science of human development. Human Development as a social science is a collection of observations recorded over many, many years. It seeks to understand how and why people -- all kinds of people, everywhere, of every age -- change over time.

Life-span development theory is an approach to the study of human development that takes into account all phases of life from the moment of conception through the passing of life at death. There are six generally accepted stages of life: Conception, Early Childhood, Middle Years, Adolescence, Emerging Adulthood, Adulthood (with a distinction between adulthood for ages 25 to 65, and late adulthood for ages 65 and older).

Personhood is understood to be all that makes a person who they are  -- cognition, physiology, emotions, relationships, faith -- mind, heart, body, and soul.

The framework of personhood is constructed by the answers to three questions. Every human being asks the same three!

Who am I?

Am I lovable?

Am I worth it?

These questions are about identify and value. Every human asks the same questions through their lifetime, from birth until death. Who we allow to provide the answers, who we decide to believe about those answers become like footpaths that we follow, again and again, as we think of ourselves (self-talk) and choose the ways in which we interact (think and behave) towards others. Before reading on, consider what footpath you are on. Ask yourself those questions. What are the answers? Who have you given permission to answer them? What about your student, where are they on their footpath?

God's Perspective at Each Stage of Life

Let's answer the three with God's perspective as we create personhood through the six stages of life!

Conception

• This first stage of life begins at conception and includes the duration of fetus development.
• God's design includes our mind, body, and soul, therefore the age-old debate nurture versus nature is irrelevant. Humans are both DNA and environment.
• Scripture says to love the LORD your God with all your heart (feelings), mind (thoughts), and strength (DNA). ALL of who we are.
• Psalm 139:14 says that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made, that my soul knows this full well."

Early Childhood and Middle Childhood

• Early Childhood spans the years from birth to five years old. Growth and learning are greater and at faster rates than any following stage of life. Early childhood is characterized by discovery.
• Middle Childhood includes the ages six to 11 years old. Characteristics of development are the mastery of skills (repetition), new social development, and emotional regulation.
• Proverbs 22:6 tells us to "train a child in the way that he/she should go and they will not depart from it."
• During early childhood, the child's family unit answers the questions Who am I? Am I lovable? Am I worth it?
• During middle childhood, the answers begin to be informed by interactions with peers.
• It is during early and middle childhood that parents and caregivers are careful to discover a child's God-given abilities and interests by observing the way they go -- what does the child enjoy? interests? play time? what do they gravitate toward? how do they move to/from relationships? are they mechanically-inclined, etc.?
• Parents, do not frustrate or confuse your children for they will become discouraged, defeated, and anxious (Col. 3:21).

Adolescence

• Adolescence is the span of years from 11 to 18.
• The stage adolescence could feel like a Sea of Galilee kind of experience where the storm waves of emotions and the quest for self-identity (the three questions!) threaten to capsize the family relationships.
• Learning and development are characterized by broad interests, abstract thinking, invincibility, and that their thoughts, dreams, and struggles are unique (no one else thinks or feels like me).
• Peers become vastly influential. How friendship and community are defined, level of mutual acceptance, and the ability to succeed -- the questions of identity and worth, and their answers are informed by influences and entities outside of the family unit.
• Parents, consider your child's God-given abilities seen during their childhood years and pray for their courage to follow God's plan for the way they go.

Be encouraged, Parents! JESUS is in the boat, and He told the disciples "let us go to the other side" (Mark 4:35-40). May the same promise be true for you and your teens as you arrive into the next stage of life with an emerging adult.

Emerging Adulthood

• Emerging adults are the ages 18 to 25. These are traditionally the college years.
• Who am I? Am I lovable? Am I worth it? are asked again, but at this stage of cognitive and emotional development, the answers of identity and value are challenged, quietly, boldly, and maybe even loudly, through various levels of critical thinking (link goes to Vanderbilt University, an often cited resource in undergraduate- and graduate-level programs).
• Emerging adults want to be confident and capable. They want to know with certainty who they are and what their purpose in life is (value/worth). What they know, what they believe, why they think the way they do -- all of it is investigated, tested and debated together, and all the while afraid that they won't be successful at any of it.
• Peers of differing lifestyles are greatly impactful to critical thinking.
• Parents and Students, do not be afraid during this stage of life. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7).
• Construct a footpath -- your way of thinking about yourself and others -- in your life that always leads to "love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, strength, and mind" (Deut. 6:5; Matt. 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27).

Adulthood and the Later Years

• Adulthood is the span of life from 25 to 65 years old. Late Adulthood is 65 and older.
• This stage of life is marked by work, getting married, starting families, and dreaming of a future time of retirement and what that might look like.
• Concepts of identity and self-worth may be further defined by work, hobbies, marriage status, parenting abilities, etc. Footpaths of thinking and behaving have become worn and familiar.
• This stage of life is often filled with introspection, more and more often by looking back.
• There are increases in the feeling of regret and the sense of time that is lost. Missed opportunities to spend time with their children, have a specific conversation, enjoy the moments that were in front of them, etc.
• But, godly sorrow brings about repentance that leads to salvation, encouragement, and joy (2 Cor. 7:5-13).
• Be renewed daily, and press on to the prize of the highest calling in Christ (Phil. 3:14).

Helpful tips and encouragement...

"For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding...wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul" (Prov. 2:6-10). May this ever be true for you and your family relationships.

Parents, click here for helpful tips on how to talk to a college student and how to connect when they come home.

Students, click here for encouragement on how to foster an honoring relationship with parents and grandparents.

Please note: The above is hardly a fair summary of human development. There is more that can be read and explored in each of the six stages!

Consider the following resources to help guide your family's conversations:

• The Developing Person Through the Lifespan by Kathleen Stassen Berger
• Joshuastraub.com "Famous at Home"