RELATIONSHIPS THE RELATIONSHIP CYCLE

UNPACKING THE RELATIONSHIP CYCLE

Superficiality: Every relationship starts off on a superficial or shallow level; you don’t really know her and she doesn’t really know you. You meet, you say hi and you move on — unless one of you takes it to the next level. Many of our daily interactions with people take place on this level. But if you don’t go to the next level in any relationship and you choose to stay superficial with all people, you will be a very isolated and lonely person. This is not what God intends; remember Genesis 2:18? It was not good then — and it’s not good now — for us to be alone!

Gathering Information: is when you ask people questions in order to collect facts about them, like where they are from, what they do, where they went to school, their marital status and so on. Most of us have a lot of relationships at this level — that is, acquaintances. As you learn more about someone and sense a connection, you are set up to progress to the next level.

Vulnerability: The term vulnerability was originally used to describe being “able to be wounded/hurt.” When a city’s walls were strong and fortified, there was no fear of the enemy getting through. But when any part of the wall (their outward protection) became “vulnerable,” the city’s residents were likely to suffer harm. In everyday relationship, vulnerability is the willingness to open yourself up to another person. At this stage, you aren’t just offering facts to another person, you are choosing to share how you feel about something or someone. Being vulnerable requires constant risk because you are putting something about yourself “out there” with no guarantee of how it will be received. It’s our responsibility as Christians to be vulnerable with each other and to pursue deep relationships in which we truly know each other. This is a choice we make, and the more we choose it, the more we know what it looks and feels like! This level is where the flow of relationships splits into one of two outcomes: When you choose to be vulnerable — to open up, to let down your “protective walls,” to risk with someone — you will either feel accepted or rejected.

Rejection: What makes us feel rejected when we share something personal? We may get laughed at, criticized, ignored, shamed and so on. The natural response when we’ve been rejected is to shutdown.

Shut Down: We don’t like this feeling of rejection, so we decide then and there that we will never go there again with that person (or people). If we choose this response over and over again, we will become impenetrable.

Impenetrable: We tend to build walls against people when they’ve hurt us. But if we do this too much and with too many people, guess what? We’ll stay ...

Superficial: When we stay superficial with others, we remain in a state of loneliness and isolation. This is not God’s will; He made us for relationship. Sadly, people who decide (and it is a decision that people make over and over) to live like this tend to live a bitter, lonely, sad existence. And, if this continues for a long time, they will usually develop a hardened heart. Hebrews 3:13 states, “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (NIV). We need each other! One reason we need relationships is that we need encouragement from each other to keep us from being calloused by sin.

Acceptance: is the other possible outcome of vulnerability. When we share something personal and it is received with attentive listening, sincere questions, good eye contact and shared emotion, we feel safe to offer more. We took a relational risk and it’s now paying off by bringing us into closer relationship with another. When we feel accepted, this causes us to offer more self-disclosure.

Self-Disclosure: When we share with more depth and meaning — our hopes, our fears, our desires — we reveal our true selves to others. Often during this process, we make statements like, “I feel ... I think ... I am ... ” And this leaves us feeling more known and understood.

Known and Understood: Now we’re back to the seed, the underlying cause of this entire process! We are made in God’s image, and He speaks very specifically about the significance of knowing Him. So it stands to reason that we, as humans made in His image, also place a high value on being known.

Agape Love: As we feel known and understood by another, we experience what the Bible calls agape love. This is a love with no strings attached. It’s a love that doesn’t say, “I love you if” but “I love you, period.” Agape is not based on anything we do or don’t do — it’s unconditional. As we experience this kind of love, we set others up for other-disclosure.

Other-Disclosure: This happens when others open up about themselves. Vulnerability is a two-way street. Others see how messed up and broken we are, so they feel freer and more able to risk sharing things about themselves. Vulnerability encourages vulnerability (2 Corinthians 6:11-13). And one of the results is a lack of judgment: “Here I am — the good, the bad and the ugly — and I am in no place to judge you for what’s going on in your life.”

Accepted vulnerability means moving toward each other without the fear of one running the other way. This takes time and is a risk because not all people are safe or healthy or even know how to do this. But as we take the risk and our vulnerability is well-received, we experience trust and safety in a way that allows us to see a glimpse of God in the other person. I promise that’s a really cool thing, and it’s worth it.

HOW WE DO RELATIONSHIPS MATTERS

As others feel known and understood, they also experience agape love, which leads to more self-disclosure, thus creating a cycle of relationships that are deep, meaningful and supernatural. I envision this as two gears: One gear is the Body of Christ. As the body grows and experiences true unity, we influence the second gear, which is the world around us. Our relationships turn the gear when people who do not yet know Jesus see our unity/bonding/intimacy/forgiveness (John 17:20-23).

Because of our loving interaction with each other, we Christ-followers set ourselves up to be effective witnesses (Romans 15:5-6; Acts 2:42-47) to the love of Jesus. And because of our unity drawing others to Christ, God’s kingdom grows (John 13:34-35). And ultimately, God put us here on this earth to know Him and to display, demonstrate, and declare the power of life-changing relationships with Him and each other. Healthy, Christ-focused relationships bring God glory.

WHAT'S THE BIG PICTURE?

Notice how this Relationship Cycle begins on a personal, one-on-one level but leads to a much bigger picture. I just want to reiterate that life is not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about you and me pursuing a relationship that honors and reflects God in us and results in a magnetic and appealing way of life. All of this is not about relationships for the sake of relationships. Jesus Himself prayed this for us (John 17), and I, personally, long to be an answer to His prayer.We are made for relationship — with each other, but ultimately with a God so personal that He sacrificed His only Son so that we could know Him.