By Larkin Brundige

“Doctor’s appointment tomorrow”

I nodded without saying a word. I knew the drill. This went on for months — endless appointments regarding endless ineffective medications.

I had never really been able to swallow a pill before I started antidepressants, which would make the whole process even longer.

Bouncing my leg in the waiting room, I had the familiar twist in my stomach — a new medication meant another month of waiting for underwhelming results. The scariest part of the appointments was never knowing the next step. What was the new medicine like? Would it make me better? Is it going to make things even worse?

It was an exhausting, nerve wracking process.

The next morning I would stare at the little orange bottle contemplating the side effects — anything from fatigue to headaches and what unknown substance I was about to force into my body.

I paced around the kitchen before finally taking the first pill out of 30. And another the next morning and the next and the next. Medicating mental health is a trial and error process. I was inconsistent which can cause medication to not work correctly — another frustrating step.

This went on for a couple of months before I tried tablets — my first success with a pill. Next thing I would know, I would be starting Prozac and Lexapro — two medications widely known by and prescribed to teenagers struggling with mental illness.

I hit a low point in June 2021 when I came to the realization that not all medications are suited for everyone. The medication I was taking at the time, Prozac had been ultimately adding onto the struggles I was having. I would show up to school feeling more tired than usual — with no smile on my face and cry during dance the same night. I had little control over anything that I felt normally, on this medication I felt I had absolutely no control.

I felt completely hopeless — but most of all I was terrified. Once again, the system had failed me. If this new medication didn't work, what would?

I was already in therapy, it felt impossible that I would get any better. I was frustrated, tired and on a new medication. My biggest question was, why is this process so aggravating?

Upon starting mental health treatment, a doctor will ask for your age and what you’re struggling with. The first prescription was one I had heard about from many teens, the truth is — a lot of people begin with the same medication. Prozac is what I started on, a very common medication for many teens. A medication survey from 2017 conducted by Verywellmind found that more than 11% of teens were taking Prozac.

They weren’t treating me, but simply writing the default 14 year old girl prescription — I had no choice but to trust them. I needed their help to find if there was another way to relieve my struggle with depression.

Once it became clear that the prescription wasn’t solving anything because of the negative effects on me, I decided to meet with a psychiatrist.

One last time I started my trial, taking it day by day — the first morning my hands started shaking like usual. Only this time was different, I had finally found a medication suited for me.

By October of 2021, I found my success.

My medication has been consistent for a year now — my little bottle of hope. It revived my smile and strengthened my relationships with friends and family. Whether it would be a late night car ride for ice cream with my mom or an afternoon on the couch watching rom-coms with my dad — quality time was key.

I found that a combination of therapy, medication and time with myself and my loved ones is ultimately what helped me heal.

Yes, the process felt never-ending and some nights it didn’t feel worth it but there is hope and I am living proof of it.